


Stories I'm Not Really Writing, Or: The Ideas Won't Leave Me Alone!

by alkjira



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Meta, Multi, Plot Devices, all possible genres, incest in chapter 6, look elsewhere for quality, rabid plot bunnies, strangeness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 11:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 19,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random story-bits and plot ideas for the Hobbit characters. 1 chapter = 1 story/idea</p><p>All chapters come with their own summaries. And the first chapter will work as an index.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter Index

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have a word document that's over 90 pages with Hobbit fanfiction ideas. This is me cleaning that file.
> 
> The thing is that some of these ideas I really like too much to delete, but for some reason or another they won't be turned into a story. At least not by me. (Unless the bunnies regroup and attack for real, but don't count on it) 
> 
> I've tried, deleted, tried again, and now I'm posting the results here. Sometimes it won't be a lot, sometimes it'll be longer bits.
> 
> In case something here tickles *your* fancy please do with it as you wish, and just link to me or something if you end up actually borrowing of the actual words I've written. 
> 
> But plots/ideas/whatnot, I won't 't claim ownership to.  
> If I would it would be weird of me to write fanfic. 
> 
> But dropping me a comment and a link is certainly nice if you end of writing something :) Because I'd love to see.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda realising that this will be a lot of chapters. So here be a summary.

**Chapter 1.**

This index.

_

**Chapter 2.**

Inspired by Beyond: Two Souls. Written only because I couldn't stop thinking about it. If you haven't played that and wish to avoid all spoilers, do not read. I repeat, do not read.  
Um, and if you've not played B:TS and still read this, I'm not sure it'll make sense at all.

 -

 **Chapter 3.**  
  
Bilbo sets out on his own adventure, but things do not go as planned.

Why are the people he meets afraid to go out at night?

 -

**Chapter 4.**

Thorin/Dwalin/Bilbo/Bofur

 -

 **Chapter 5.**  
  
Where Thorin is a prince in the 21st century, Bilbo ends up working (sort of) for him, and stuff happens.

 -

**Chapter 6.**

If everyone in The Hobbit was horny and slutty, things would be a bit like this. (Porn!Au with some kind of main plot tangled in there.)  
  
WARNING. I *really* don't think I'm good at writing smut.

 -

**Chapter 7.**

If Bilbo had stayed longer in Erebor that would have meant that the auction of his home and his things would have gone ahead as planned. Oh dear.

-

**Chapter 8.**

To get his inheritance Thorin must marry Bilbo. Drama ensues. And at the end, true love.  
  
-  
  
**Chapter 9.**

Thorin meets Richard Armitage. Thorin is not impressed. Bilbo meets Martin Freeman. Bilbo is kind of scared.

 **-**  
  
**Chapter 10.**

  
Rockstar!AU  
  
-

 **Chapter 11.**  
  
And it was so a Dwarf nagged his way into changing the afterlife forever.

-

**Chapter 12.**

The Amazing Race - the television programme.

  
-  
  
**Chapter 13.**

Hobbits cut their hair and Dwarfs pierce their ears. Both these things cause outrage for the other side. + other cultural issues.  
  
-  
  
**Chapter 14.**

Thorin Oakenshield had sworn never to fall in love

-  
  
**Chapter 15.**

Ori writes friendfic.

-

  
**Chapter 16.**

Stone, metal and flowers. A Thorin/Bilbo ABC. - A concept idea based on the alphabet, but one I'm not able to wrestle into shape.

-

**Chapter 17.**

Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU with Bilbo as Buffy and Thorin as Angel.

-

**Chapter 18.**

Someone has a one night stand with for example Thorin or Dwalin and then finds them again by tracing them via their tattoos.

-

**Chapter 19.**

Crack AU where the One Ring is something pink and sparkly.

-

**Chapter 20.**

Bilbo comes along on the quest looking exactly as we've seen him in the films, and then somewhere along the way there's some naked time of some sort and the Dwarfs (or at least one of them) realise that Bilbo is missing some bits that they were expecting to be there. (FtM Bilbo)

-

 **Chapter 21**.

Thorin and Bilbo are set up by their friends to go on a blind date, only neither of them are told it's a blind date, and they plan to take revenge on their friends and ends up falling in love.

-

**Chapter 22.**

Hobbits need to fuck or they'll die.

-

**Chapter 23.**

Bilbo is banished from Erebor (no one dies in Bofa, but Thorin does not forgive him for taking the Arkenstone)  
And Bilbo is preggers. And yes, it's Thorin's baby. Only none of the Dwarfs knows that male Hobbits can get pregnant in the first place.

-

**Chapter 24.**

Bilbo dreams a steamy dream and wakes up with the realisation that he is in love. Only, not in the one the dream was about.

-

**Chapter 25.**

Bilbo and Thorin are Yavanna and Mahal

-

**Chapter 26.**

Bilbo is the god of spring, Thorin is the god of winter  
They're morons

-

**Chapter 27.**

Runaway Frodo, found by Thorin.

-  
  
**Chapter 28.**

Middle Earth has a special kind of magic based on a person's name. Name magic is very much a thing and you don't give anyone your real name unless you trust them completely.

-

**Chapter 29**

Dís does diplomacy

-

**Chapter 30**

Sort of a song fic. But not really. And it's reincarnation. And it's referencing a film that's not very popular. WAIT WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY?

-

**Chapter 31**

Modern AU, but not. Time Travel, but NOT. But it is rather complicated.

-

**Chapter 32**

Ghost story, Sam and his family moves to the country side. Spookiness happens.

-

**Chapter 33**

The Mummy AU

-

**Chapter 34**

Bilbo and Thorin cat!Au

-

**Chapter 35**

Beauty and the Beast AU


	2. Thorin As Jodie from Beyond: Two Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Beyond: Two Souls. Written only because I couldn't stop thinking about it. If you haven't played that and wish to avoid all spoilers, do not read. I repeat, do not read.  
> Um, and if you've not played B:TS and still read this, I'm not sure it'll make sense at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't played this game and still read this, maybe you can plot bunny this into something else? If so, go for it!

For the eternity of a moment Thorin hesitated between the light, and the dark. Though it was wrong to call name it as dark, or darkness.  
  
Thorin had seen what true darkness looked like. This, this was just another form of light. Like the light coming from the moon was really just the sun. A reflection. Connected.  
  
Everything was connected.  
  
He belonged in both these places, these two worlds, that now surrounded him. Funny, that he should realise it only now that he stood outside it all.  
  
On one side, in the Beyond, he could finally find peace. He wouldn't have to run. Wouldn't have to fight, kill, hide and lie. He would be with people he had loved all his life, people who loved him. He'd seen the elation on Thranduil's face when he'd finally been able to see his wife and son again. Hold them. Talk to them.  
  
Three spirits were no longer lost. Three souls had found peace.  
  
Thorin could have that. An existence without pain, without loss, without suffering. No more doubt, no more hurt.  
  
And he wouldn't even have to leave the people that had to stay in the other world. He could go back, be like Frerin, only... free. He could watch over Dís and Fíli and Kíli, Bilbo, Dwalin; all of those that he held dear. He just... he just wouldn't be able to touch them, or hold them. He wouldn't be able to speak to them.  
  
Not until they died.  
  
Dying. To die. That was what he would do, if he went to the Beyond. He'd die.  
  
Even after all that had happened, standing between a life that had held little joy, Thorin realised that he didn't want to die. He wanted to finally _live_. He wanted to be there for Fíli and Kíli as they grew up. Be there for Dís. And for Dwalin and Bilbo. He wanted...  
  
He wanted to live.  
  
With one last look back towards the Beyond, Thorin held his breath and stepped through the rippling barrier that would take him back to his life, to one part of his family. One side of his heart, one piece of his soul.  
  
Sooner or later he would be with them all. But this way, this way he could be more than a fading memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Assuming that you've played this game (awesome story, not as awesome game, agree?) can't you just see Thorin as a version of Jodie? With Frerin as Aiden. And everytime one of the entity things comes along, they look kinda like a dragon (Smaug) And Dwalin is Jay and Bilbo is a nicer version of Ryan and Dís isn't really Thorin's sister, but who cares, she's Tuesday and pregnant with Fíli and Kíli, and Bofur is Stan, obviously.  
> Thranduil is Nathan with Gandalf as Cole.  
> And the fucktard parents are Azog and someone else. Bard is the police!
> 
> And I'm gonna stop now because this is basically just me being crazy boring at this point.


	3. A Ghost Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo sets out an his own adventure, but things do not go as planned.
> 
> Why are the people he meets afraid to go out at night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually a dream I had, likely also inspired by Beyond: Two Souls, (spoilers, but nothing that'll totally ruin the game for you) and it won't be written because I don't know... maybe too many plot holes or something?

The last light of sunset was just beginning to dip beneath the horizon when Bilbo finally saw a house appear in the empty landscape.  
   
"Oh, thank you," he whispered quietly, because now he would have to spend another night perilously curled up in a tree, dreaming fretful dreams about bears and wolves and all manner of unpleasant beasts that could and _would_ find a Hobbit delicious.  
   
That's to say, he didn't yet know if he would be welcome by the inhabitants of the house, but even if he wasn't he could perhaps sleep in the barn he saw just behind the main building. He wouldn't even have to burden them with the knowledge that he'd be there if came to that. Just, _please_ not another night in a tree.  
  
-  
   
"What do you want?" came a cautious voice once Bilbo had knocked on the door. The door didn’t actually open.  
  
A little strange to be sure, Bilbo thought, but then again, he couldn’t fault someone for being cautious. This was pretty much in the middle of nowhere after all.

“Um, hello? My name is Bilbo Baggins,” Bilbo awkwardly shuffled his feet as no reply came. “I was wondering if I could kindly ask you for a place to sleep this night?  
   
He thought he heard the voice say, more quietly than the first time: "I told you it's too early still." But he wasn't sure, because that sentence made little sense to him. It was quite possible that the voice had said something else, and Bilbo was just about to ask when the door opened.  
   
“Hello there,” a pleasant looking fellow said. “I’m Bofur, come in. Please, come in.”  
  
-  
  
 _There is introductions. Bofur, Bombur and Bifur live together in a small but nicely built house. They have friends and more family who live fairly close by. There are hints that there used to be even more people, like the very fact that they have a perfectly nice bedroom ready for Bilbo that looks like someone used to live in it not too long ago, but… yeah, something has happened._  
  
-  
   
“Don't open  the front door if you hear someone knocking,” Bombur advised as he showed Bilbo to the room he’d be staying in. “We're having some problems with local.. ruffians. And they like playing pranks in the middle of the night. For that same reason, don't go outside while it’s still dark. And stay away from the windows.”  
   
“No worries,” Bilbo smiled. “Now that I have the chance to spend the night in a bed I certainly won’t be leaving it until the morning. I’m on an adventure you see, but somehow I hadn’t factored in the many nights you have to sleep outside when you are on an adventure into the actual adventure.”  
   
-  
  
 _That night Bilbo is woken by the sound of knocking on the front door. As he had promised Bombur he didn’t open it, he didn’t even leave his room, but he did leave the bed. He was on an adventure after all._  
  
Looking out through the window; which had been covered by heavy curtains that Bilbo had to fight with a little to part, Bilbo first saw nothing. But suddenly there’s a pale face just outside the window and Bilbo flinched back and got tangled in the curtains and the Hobbit and the curtains end up on the floor.  
  
Bofur comes in and helps Bilbo up, determinedly not looking outside through the now uncovered window.  
  
Bilbo of course asks what the person outside the window is doing. What it  is. Because the person... the figure, isn’t just pale, it’s… it looks like it’s made of light and smoke.

 _This is followed by some avoidance, more avoidance and then an explanation._  
  
-  
  
About a year or so back these beings had started to show up at night.  
  
Or rather; about a year or so, a family leaving very nearby had just disappeared, only to be found in the forest, lying side by side with smiles on their faces. Completely peaceful, not a scratch on them.  
  
Then another person had disappeared. And another, and then someone finally saw what happened.  
  
After sunset a pale figure had walked up to a house, knocked, and when the person inside opened the figure had reached out a hand and touched the person. We’ll say that this person is called Gil.  
  
Gil had been on her way to closing the door again, because bwah! Ghostly figure! But when the figure touched her she just… she stilled. And then she followed it out into the forest.  
  
The next day she too was found with a smile on her face. And the ghostly figures began to grow in number.  


 _Then a young adult, or a tween accidentally stayed outside after dark. Realising that this was bad news he climbed a tree and prayed basically._  
  
Come morning he was still alive, but he’d spent the entire night with about twenty of the ghostly figures standing beneath him in a ring around the tree. Let’s just say that his state of mind wasn’t the best. And the next night he just ran outside at it was getting dark, he wasn’t seen again, so his family didn’t know if the figures got him or not.  
   
-  
  
 _Bilbo, again being very sensible, asks why they are still staying (!?) (!!!) He hadn’t seen any ghostly figures the night before, and he can’t walk that far during just one day. They could leave. Go somewhere safe._  
   
“We have no other place to go,” Bofur said quietly.  
  
 _Yada, yada, explanation of how their families have lived there for ages, about how they have no money, and so on. The entire thing frustrates Bilbo, [as it should, because there should probably be some other reason here as well, but to be fair to my plot-dreaming brain, a lot of people do work like this, better the devil you know… etc.]_  
   
 _When morning comes Bofur takes Bilbo along to meet Thorin and his family, only to find them all dead inside their house, holding hands and looking 100% at peace. This is the final drop for Bilbo._  
  
“You can come with me,” Bilbo said taking Bofur’s hand. “You said that you have no place to go, but you can come with me. You have to. You all have to. I’m- I can’t leave you here.”

-  
  
Three months after the Dwarfs arrived to the Shire there was the first sightings of  pale silver figures walking the streets of Hobbiton after midnight. Of course, those who first saw them were not able to tell anyone about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, plot holes. 
> 
> Like why isn't anyone else wondering why people keep disappearing? This isn't Sunnydale after all. And while it's kinda in some pseudo Middle-Earth, surely there's some sort of local authorities? Hmm. And why do the Dwarfs live in some kind of village? Not to mention why the HELL these ghost-thingies are running around for in the first place? And what do they do to kill people and make them happy? Fuck knows.
> 
> This is the problem with dreams. This made *so* much sense while I was dreaming. The scene where Bilbo and Bofur finds Thorin, Dís, Víli, Frerin and Fíli and Kíli, it was so fucking creepy. Everything was quiet, no one answered when Bofur called, and then they walked into the living room to find them on the floor. The smiles on their faces... I think that's the creepiest part, that people can look so damned happy about being dead.
> 
> Anyway, I tried to write it, but something isn't clicking for me.
> 
> I like the idea of it, though. The image of our Dwarfs shutting their doors tight and knowing that there is something out there that can't be fought with axes and swords, something that can't be fought at all. And then some of them maybe start to wonder if the reason people have a smile on their face is because these figures aren't bad after all. (despite them killing people, go figure)
> 
> Anyway again, maybe someone else will like it too and adopt it and sort it out? Turn it into an actual thing.


	4. Eventual Foursome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin/Dwalin/Bilbo/Bofur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm not good enough at writing smut. And this wouldn't work with me at all.

"Are you sure they won't mind?"

A nervous looking Bofur was rather endearing, but at the moment Bilbo was more interested in the fact that he was naked. And that he was lying on Bilbo's bed, with Bilbo straddling his hips. 

Bilbo was, for the record, also naked. 

"I told you, they're fine with it."

"It's just, Thorin and Dwalin, those are two people you really don't want to be upset with you."

"Bofur," Bilbo said sternly. "If I tell you that it's fine, I hope you trust me enough to actually _trust_ me. And if I was lying to you, I promise that it'd be me that Dwalin and Thorin became upset with."  
  
"That's comforting, I think," Bofur said and relaxed a little beneath Bilbo. Though not everywhere, to Bilbo's delight. 

"Now," Bilbo murmured and shifted his hips. "Where were we?"

-  
 

 _So basically: Bilbo is in a threesome with Thorin and Dwalin, but he wants Bofur too. Thorin and Dwalin thinks this is a very good idea. Because: Bofur._  
  
 _Bofur takes some convincing._  
  
Smut!  
  
 _He still hasn't understood it though. So Thorin tries to explain as well_  
  
More smut!  
  
 _And then they tell him that he's welcome to join them, because they want him to, and then..._  
  
Even more smut!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone writes this I definitely want to read it.


	5. Modern!Au - Meet Prince Thorin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Thorin is a prince in the 21st century, Bilbo ends up working (sort of) for him, and stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This I cannot write because it'd end up being way too close to Drastically Redefining Protocol by Rageprufrock, which is a fantastic Merlin story. If you're not in that fandom, then you probably haven't read it, and then maybe you can write this.

_Thorin is the prince in a country fairly similar to the UK, but which is obviously called Erebor, duh._   
  
_He's trying to be a good prince, he'll be the king someday._   
  
_He wouldn't mind not being the king, but neither Frerin nor Dís want to rule, (not to mention Thorin's father has never approved of Dís' husband) so if Thorin abdicates (or whatever the word is when you're not actually king yet) the crown will eventually go to their cousin Smaug, and yeah, that way to badness (or just the end of monarchy, and Thorin kinda does not want to be responsible for that)._   
  
  
_Charles and Philip are Dís' sons, nicknamed.... (guess, come on:) Kíli and Fíli, of course. But that's just private, for family._   
  
  
_Gandalf used to be Thorin's tutor, but now is getting old, so he recommends Bilbo as the young princes' tutor._   
  
_Thorin is smitten, and grumpy, and Bilbo flops between wondering how one of the members of the royal family can be so rude and so polite and so obnoxious and so lovely at the same time._   
  
_And then they realise that Smaug is plotting together with his henchman Azog to discredit Thorin, thus making it impossible for him to ever be king, and make himself heir to the throne. Maybe by involving Bilbo somehow?_   
  
_And happy ending could be achieved by making Dáin king, now that Smaug isn't in the succession, and Thorin and Bilbo can do whatever they want._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drastically Redefining Protocol *is* awesome, and I'd probably end up writing something way too similar to that because of that very fact... lol, it's too good!


	6. Smutty McSmut Smut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If everyone in the Hobbit was horny and slutty things would be a bit like this. (Porn!Au with some kind of main plot tangled in there.)
> 
> WARNING. I *really* don't think I'm good at writing smut.  
> Warning the second, long chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two reasons why this won't be finished. 1. there are already several stories with similar themes, most of them very awesome.
> 
> 2\. This has basically been my practice document for smut, but now it's been a WIP for soooooo looooong I'm kinda bored with it, and being bored and smut... yeah, bad combo. I'll keep practising, but by doing something else. I read through it, and I hope it still makes sense.
> 
> I *promise* I've deleted the worst bits. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm better at making people talk about having sex than actually writing about people *having* sex.

Chapter 1.

Bilbo had just put himself to bed with a small pot of honey scented oil, prepared for a good long wank when someone knocked on his front door.  
  
Bilbo grumbled as he got up to open it - without getting dressed of course since he certainly didn't have anything to be ashamed of -grumbled about certain individuals' bad timing and the decency to not bother decent folk in the middle of the night, when they _clearly_ might be busy.  Or would like to get busy.  
  
The grumbling abruptly stopped when Bilbo opened the door and saw who was standing outside.  
   
“Dwalin, at your service” the large Dwarf said and bowed slightly, eyes fixed on Bilbo's cock which quite enjoyed the attention.

“Bilbo Baggins, at yours.”

“Say, lad, is that also at my service by any chance”, he said and reached out a hand to stroke Bilbo’s now definitely interested erection.

“Ah, help yourself?”  
  
“Aren’t you a pretty lil’ thing,” Dwalin said appreciatively as Bilbo urged him further into the hall, closing the door behind him before his neighbours noticed and also wanted to get involved. This Dwarf was his.  
  
-  
  
 _Trousers are removed. Exciting._  
  
-  
   
Thick fat cock was already wet at the tip and Bilbo could feel his mouth watering. He started to sink to his knees, but Dwalin’s hands on his shoulders stopped him.  
  
“Now, lad, not so fast. I'm sure this is a very nice hallway, but might we move somewhere where there is at least a flat surface." Dwalin glanced at the curving walls filled with knick knacks and shelves. "I'm afraid those won't quite do and I'm too old for the floor and I'm definitely going to fuck you after I have your pretty mouth."  
   
Bilbo’s entire _being_ gave an interested twitch and he hurriedly grabbed the Dwarf by his wrist and dragged him towards the kitchen with its lovely flat table. It was at least twenty seconds closer than his bed and every second counted.  
   
An amused Dwalin let himself be pushed against the kitchen table, but before Bilbo could begin his descent towards the floor again, Dwalin reached out with a big hand and cupped the Hobbit’s face. Bilbo’s eyes fluttered close at the caress and Dwalin met no resistance when he pulled the Hobbit flush against his body and took his mouth in a deep kiss.  
   
"Gonna let me have that pretty mouth now?" he breathed against Bilbo’s lips when they parted. "It's already so slick and red. I want to see what you look like after my cock has been down your throat."  
  
Whining Bilbo tried to drop to his knees but Dwalin caught him again before he could actually manage to hit the floor.  
  
"Do you mind?" Bilbo said, frustrated. "A Hobbit could think a certain Dwarf really does not want to get his cock sucked after all."  
   
"Ah, but _you_ want it, don't you. You want to feel the weight of it on your tongue…" Dwalin curled his fingers loosely around Bilbo’s cock. Not stroking, just holding it in one big hand.  "Think you're gonna spurt from just my dick in your mouth?"  
  
When Dwalin then gave his cock a slow thoughtful pull Bilbo’s knees definitely wanted to get better acquainted with the floor, now also partly because they were starting to feel decidedly unsteady.  
   
Grabbing onto all the dignity that being a Baggins entailed, Bilbo took a deep breath and leveled a sharp glare at the annoying Dwarf.  
  
"If my mouth is not around your cock in the next ten seconds I am going to bed, alone, and you and your right hand can spend the night together."  
   
"No need for such threats," Dwalin smirked.  
   
Leaning back against the table the Dwarf placed his hands on the table edge, on either side of his hips. Bilbo shivered slightly when the warm body, and warm hand was removed, but quickly recovered, and it was with great pleasure he finally knelt down on the floor.

-  
 _A very smutty scene which I can’t apparently write._  
  
-  
  
Dwalin gently pushed Bilbo’s head of off his cock. “Enough of that now. You have anything slick? You are a little one and I don't want to hurt you.”  
   
Licking his lips Bilbo waved his hand in the general direction if his pantry. "Theres oil on the shelf over there, and don’t call me-“  
   
Before the Hobbit knew what had happened Dwalin had bent down and lifted him up on the kitchen table, and while Bilbo was sitting on his table blinking in confusion, Dwalin had returned with the oil.  
  
“You really are pretty,” Dwalin said admiringly as he stopped between Bilbo’s spread legs.  
  
“Actions speak louder than words," Bilbo said and hooked one foot behind Dwalin’s back.  
  
Being on the table put Bilbo’s arse at the exactly right height for Dwalin’s cock. While he hadn’t asked for his table to have this property, it was certainly a happy circumstance. But before things could get more interesting, there was another knock on the door.  
  
With a sigh Bilbo hopped down on the floor. “Don’t go anywhere,” he told the Dwarf.  
  
“I was thinking I might as well go with you,” Dwalin said. “In case there’s someone at the door looking to steal you away.”  
  
-  
  
And then there is a lot of smut.  
  
Balin turns out to be a kinky little voyeur who likes telling Dwalin and Bilbo what to do.  
  
Then Fíli and Kíli turn up and Bilbo sucks Fíli while Kíli fills him at the other end. Kíli is _quite_ well endowed which Bilbo figures makes up for some of the young Dwarf’s attitude.

When Bofur shows up he’s mostly interested in cleaning up the mess Dwalin and Kíli have left. Bombur prefers to suck Bilbo’s cock which is doing an admirable job of getting hard again. And then they help Bilbo ride Bifur; who is not the most communicative of partners, but certainly very nice for all of that.  
  
-  
  
 _Not sure about the rest of the Dwarfs, except for Ori.  
  
_ -

Ori was a shy little thing and quick to spurt. But he could go again and again and _again_ , and when yet another knock came on Bilbo’s door, the Hobbit was almost too giddy and spent to notice.  
    
Bilbo felt himself be moved from his supine position on the bed? Floor? Who could tell by this point. He was gently poured down into one of his comfy sitting room chairs, And a truly decent soul had first found a thick blanket to put under him to avoid ruining the upholstery.  
   
The fun part of being sticky was how you got that way, if he sat down in his chair tomorrow and got stuck to it, that wouldn’t  measure up at all.  
   
"You okay, friend," someone asked, possibly the one called Bofur. Their names and faces had rather started to blur together after a while, and as Bilbo’s eyes now wanted nothing more than fall shut it was quite tricky telling them apart.  
  
Bilbo gave a tired but pleased hum and hoped it sounded positive. Someone held a cup of cold water by his mouth so he could drink and he nuzzled their hand in thanks.  
   
"I know we're asking a lot of you, laddie," another someone, _Balin_ , said. “But you've not yet met the leader of our company, do you think you could stay awake a little longer?”  
   
"This is our burglar?" a deep voice rumbled. Bilbo reached for a previously untapped reservoir if strength and managed to open his eyes.  
  
It was well worth the effort as this new arrival _certainly_ was worth looking at. Still, lovely blue eyes and broad shoulders or not, Bilbo could soon feel his eyelids droop again.  
   
"I can vouch for his nimble fingers" Dwalin smirked. "don't know if he is as light on his feet as he is easy on the eyes."  
   
"He is a sneaky one though," someone else said, smile evident in their voice. “Clever even. Good to have at your back.”  
  
“Or front,” someone else snickered.  
  
Part of Bilbo desperately wanted to know of what they were speaking. A burglar? Him? Was this why Gandalf had been by earlier? If so, thank the Valar that he hadn’t stopped by again, because while Bilbo certainly couldn’t be said to be prudish, tumbling infront of a wizard felt like pushing things a little too far.  
  
Cranking his eyes open again Bilbo was about to ask what everyone was talking about, then his attention was caught by the bulge in the recently arrived Dwarf’s trousers. Unless he had stuffed several pairs of socks down there he looked to be bigger than even Kíli. Bilbo sneaked a peek at the younger Dwarf who hadn’t bothered getting dressed. Indeed.  
   
Kíli who had caught Bilbo’s measuring glance at his crotch grinned broadly.  
  
"My dear, Mr Boggings-"  
  
Bilbo wished that he had the energy to roll his eyes.  
  
“Allow me to introduce my uncle, Thorin, son of Thrain son of Thror. King under the mountain, and leader of our company.”  
   
Yes, mountain was probably an apt description of that bulge and Bilbo’s fingers twitched.  
   
Clearing his throat he managed to croak out: “Bilbo Baggins, at your service."  
   
Thorin came forward into the hall and stroked two fingers down Bilbo’s neck, making pleasant sparks shoot down the Hobbit’s spine.  
   
"You are willing then?" he asked, voice the same deep rumble as before. "Gandalf has told you about our quest?"  
   
Well, no, but Bilbo was certainly _willing_. When Thorin leaned down to suck a mark into the spot that his fingers had just caressed Bilbo’s cock made a valiant effort to get hard once more.   
   
"Indeed, very willing," Bilbo managed to get out, and just as darkness swum up in front of his eyes he felt the lips at his throat  curl into a smile.  
   
-  
  
Chapter 2.

The next day it was a little uncomfortable to ride on the pony. Okay, more than a little. Thorin eventually had mercy on him and lifted Bilbo over on his own pony; arranging him in a side-saddle position over his knees that meant Bilbo’s weight was eased of his rather aching rear end.  
  
"For your own comfort it might be wise if last night is not repeated in a while," Thorin said a little sternly, but not unkindly.  
  
Bilbo sighed a bit wistfully, it was mostly a pleasant ache after all. Mostly. "I expect that you are right. Your highness,” he quickly tacked on, blushing a little as he remembered his lack of manners the night before. Learning that two of the young ones had been princes… Oh, what would his neighbours say if they found out.  
  
"Please," Thorin said, and pressed as Bilbo was to the Dwarf’s chest he shivered as he actually _felt_ the deep rumble of his voice. "I would not have titles between us."  
  
I would not have anything between us, Bilbo thought.  
   
-  
  
Riding across Thorin's lap proved to be its own kind of frustration as Bilbo every once in a while would feel Thorin’s cloth covered cock bump his rear. He regretted not even having seen it the previous evening. What a bad impression he must have made, fainting like that just when his last guest had arrived.  
  
"I am sure I will feel much improved by this night" Bilbo said, and despite that statement coming out of nowhere he made his meaning quite clear by wriggling his arse against Thorin’s lap.  
  
"I do not wish to hurt you and I imagine you might have noticed that I won't be easy to take."  
  
Scrambling for words Bilbo tried to figure out a better way to say: ‘I can suck you off, maybe?’ to Thorin. Because titles overlooked or not, his father would have had his hide for being so crude with a king.  
  
"If it would please you, I would still be happy to share your bedroll tonight, Thorin. My mouth is in no discomfort, if you would have it."  
  
There, much better.  
  
"Oh I would," Thorin growled and Bilbo shivered slightly. "But I'm do not think this would be wise."  
  
"Um, beg your pardon, but why ever not?"  
  
"Something you must know of Dwarfs is that we are greedy creatures. If I had your mouth I am not sure I would be satisfied with that. And I don't yet trust you would tell me no, even if it would hurt you. And as I said, I do not wish to cause you harm."  
  
"Oh" Bilbo mused. "That is.." mighty annoying "-honourable of you."  
   
That night Bilbo went to bed with the intention to sleep but was shortly collected by Kíli and Fíli as they claimed they needed an impartial judge.  
  
The two had made a bet of who could last the longest, so Bilbo watched as they tumbled each other. They were both very comely boys so it certainly wasn't a hardship.  
  
And Bilbo’s cock had stiffened up quite nicely when Fíli managed to pin his brother on the ground and work his cock until he spurted.

It was quite a lovely sight, as was what Dwalin and Thorin were doing across the camp.  
  
Thorin was seated with his back up against a rock, Dwalin lying between his legs, the bald Dwarf’s mouth stuffed full with cock. Bilbo’s own mouth watered at the sight.  
  
"My brother is the only one who can take Thorin to the root,” Balin said, of course having observed the Hobbits glance.  
   
Not being able to stand it anymore Bilbo lowered his trousers and took himself in hand.  
   
"Come here, Mister Boggins," Kíli beckoned his voice almost a purr, and Bilbo scurried over to kneel beside him.  
  
“It’s _Baggins_ ,” he said pointedly. “But please call me Bilbo.”  
  
“Bilbo then,” Kíli smiled. He nudged his shoulder against his brother’s. “We were just thinking that we needed to thank you for being our referee.” For someone who had technically lost, Kíli didn’t seem to be worse for it. Then again, when the game was what they’d played, everyone was a winner.  
  
“Would you be all right lying on your back, Bilbo?” Fíli asked, and the Hobbit nodded.  
  
-  
   
Kíli fitted his lips around Bilbo’s glans and teased his tongue across the liquid starting to collect at the tip.  
  
With a pleased hum he pulled back slightly, the hand not wrapped round the base of Bilbo’s cock coming up cup his sack. “Are all Hobbits so sweet? If so I must say I regret not staying longer.”  
  
“Let me taste,” Fíli said.  
  
“I don’t quite, oh _yes_ , know,” Bilbo said, trying to find words even though two very attentive tongues were licking his cock like a particularly tasty treat. “I found your tastes very agreeable, but perhaps not sweet.”  
  
   
The Hobbit didn't want the brothers to think him rude but he couldn't resist turning his head and sneaking a glance over towards Thorin again. The king now had his head thrown back in pleasure but as if sensing the Hobbits gaze he opened his eyes and met Bilbo’s eyes with a smouldering stare.  
   
Of their own accord Bilbo’s hips made a sudden thrust and he apologetically patted Kíli’s face when the Dwarf choked slightly.  
   
Fíli, who had seen where Bilbo’s gaze had flown, merely chuckled and the Hobbit blushed when he realised his interest was that obvious. Nothing wrong about being appreciative, but it was bad manners to think of others while having such pleasant company already.  
   
"Do not be embarrassed of your desire, my friend,” Fíli said and stroked a big hand over Bilbo’s hip. “I'm sure Thorin curses his fate of being late last night. He certainly seemed to be very displeased about it when you fainted.”  
   
Bilbo’s brows wrinkled in worry. "I hope he does not think bad of me for it."  
  
Not being able to keep silent Kíli dragged his mouth off Bilbo’s cock with a slick sound, and instead reached up to press a kiss against Bilbo’s rounded stomach.  
  
 "I dare say, my dear Hobbit, that his displeasure was directed at the rest of this company tiring you out. He was afraid we might have done you injury."  
  
"You didn't," Bilbo hurriedly assured him. "It was just a little overwhelming."  
  
Kíli snickered. "Yes, I saw you looking at Uncle’s cock before you fainted."  
  
Fíli gave Kíli’s upturned arse a sharp slap making his brother moan.  
  
"I'm sure our dear burglar would appreciate it if your mouth was put to better use, brother."  
  
-  
  
 _Um, more blowjob._  
  
-  
   
Bilbo held Thorin's gaze as he spent inside Kíli’s mouth. Tomorrow, he promised himself. Tomorrow he would not take a no for an answer.  
   
-  
  
  
The next day Thorin requested for Bilbo to share his mount despite the Hobbit’s assurance that he felt well enough to ride his own. Bilbo only protested because he did not want to be a burden, but he agreed when Thorin leaned in close, whispering:  
  
"I am glad you feel much improved and I would have you remain that way so we might enjoy each other tonight. But I would still enjoy to hold you today."  
Emboldened by the heat in Thorin’s blue eyes Bilbo reached out and lightly stroked his fingers down the ever present bulge in Thorin's trousers.

Catching Bilbo’s wrist Thorin pressed his hips more firmly against the Hobbit’s much smaller hand.  
  
"Yes, I want you to think of this today when you rest aside my lap and I want you to imagine how it will feel inside of you tonight."  
  
Bilbo’s fingers found the place where the head of Thorin's cock rested against a thick thigh, and he gave it a careful caress.  
  
"I assure you I already think of little else."  
  
With a low growl Thorin plucked Bilbo off the ground and settled him on the pony, quickly saddling up behind him and arranging him to his satisfaction.  
  
Letting his Tookish side out to play Bilbo wriggled his backside back against Thorin's crotch, giving a small moan when Thorin bent down to bite his ear as punishment.  
  
"That is not the right way to show displeasure," Bilbo said and leaned back against the Dwarven king. “That is just encouraging me.”  
   
"Mahal, I hope this day will pass quickly," Thorin muttered. "Save me from cheeky Hobbits."  
  
But Bilbo heard the amusement present in his voice and it was with a light heart he began his second day of adventuring.  
    
Chapter 3.  
  
It was with poorly covered glee Bilbo watched the sun set.  
  
You would perhaps expect that a Hobbit might feel anxious at the thought of spending another night outside, far from the comfort of his Hobbit-hole, but not so with this particular Hobbit.  
  
Any anxious thoughts Bilbo might have were quite completely drowned in thought about finally (two days can be surprisingly long) getting better acquainted with a certain handsome Dwarven king with a cock that was sure to be even bigger than the cucumber that won first price on last year’s Hobbiton Autumn Fair.  
  
The thought of a naked Thorin being judged by the too serious faces of the garden committee, the pinched faced Master Sandydown feeling his cock for weight and firmness, made the Hobbit let out a bright laugh.  
  
"What amuses you," Thorin rumbled from where he sat behind Bilbo on the pony.  
  
Thinking it wise not to offend Bilbo banked his mirth and twisted his head to look at the king.  
  
"Let's just say it's been long since I met a sunset with this amount if anticipation"  
"Indeed" Thorin murmured and yelled at Kíli and Fíli to find a place suitable for a their camp.  
  
The two young Dwarfs smirked at each other before motioning their ponies ahead of the group.  
   
-  
  
 _They make camp. More flirting and some dirty talk with Dwalin I couldn’t be arsed to write.  
  
Then Bilbo and Thorin goes some distance away from the rest of the company, because everyone was making so much noise with all the shagging that was happening.  
_  
-  
  
For some reason the frank appreciation found in Thorin’s eyes made Bilbo feel oddly shy and without wanted to he found himself lowering his head. Rough but careful hands cupped his face and pulled it up to again meet Thorin’s, blue eyes now clouded a little with concern as well as desire.  
  
"I hope you trust me to tell me if you still feel too sore for anything to happen tonight."  
   
At the thought of having to wait longer Bilbo panicked and scolded himself for behaving like a virgin during his or her first tumble. It wasn't like he'd been shy his first go, so this was just silly.  
  
To create a distraction he decided to test a theory sprung into his mind the day before.  
  
"I promise I am fully recovered, my _king_."  
  
At the honorific Thorin's eyes darkened further. Preliminary reports suggested a successful test.  
  
"I thought we had put aside our titles, master Hobbit."  
  
"Well, I would hate to think what my dear old father would say if he knew I was getting familiar with royalty," Bilbo teased. And then he added “My king" again at the end just for the pleasure of seeing the black if Thorin's eyes almost eclipse the blue. “He was a very proper Hobbit you see. As proper as they come I'm sure."  
  
"And you are not?" Thorin inquired with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"I think that if I was I would not be here, I would be safely tucked away at home right now. One does not have to travel across the world to find pleasant bedfellows. Perhaps I would be reading a book and having tea." Bilbo’s gaze turned a little distant. "Not to say I don't expect to miss it after a while, while not quite a proper one I am a Hobbit."  
  
"It is only natural to miss one’s home," Thorin said.  
  
"Oh I’m sorry," Bilbo said, embarrassed. "I did not mean any offence, I beg your pardon. Mighty insensitive of me to go on like that."  
  
"As I said 'tis only natural. No offence taken."  
  
"I don’t know why Gandalf wanted me involved," Bilbo continued, still wanting to make up for his insensitive words "But I swear I will do my utter best to help you reclaim your home."  
  
Thorin’s eyes held that distant look for a moment longer before his lips quirked and he bent his head to press a quick kiss to Bilbo’s lips.  
  
"Such a handsome promise surely deserves a reward."  
   
Not trusting his tongue not to make things awkward again Bilbo merely smiled and raised up on his toes to return the kiss. Their embrace soon turned heated and Bilbo again pondered over the proper way to offer a king a blow job. Deciding to follow his own example and merely do away with words he broke the kiss and sank down on the soft leaf covered ground.  
  
Raising his hands to the laces in Thorin’s trousers he caught the Dwarf’s gaze. Finding not only acceptance but also barely contained desire Bilbo gleefully went about unlacing and unwrapping his treat.  
  
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw how Thorin’s big hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.  
   
Smiling slightly Bilbo dropped his hands from the laces, ignoring Thorin's displeased huff, and instead caught the king’s hands and moved them to tangle in blond locks.  
  
Thorin’s hands eagerly sank into Bilbo’s curls and the Hobbit’s eyes went half-lidded with pleasure as he was petted and caressed. Hurriedly he once again set about opening the laces.  
   
Soon Thorin's cock sprung eagerly into Bilbo’s hands and the Hobbit took a moment to appreciate the prize rooted in dark curls.  It was likely the biggest he had ever seen, both deliciously fat and of an unusual length. It was a good fit for Thorin, the Dwarf being both tall and very broad chested.  
   
Feeling the weird shyness lurking again Bilbo quickly pressed a kiss to the head before looking up at Thorin.  
  
"It's lovely," Bilbo said and gave a slow stroke with his hand, the other one wandering down to gently cup Thorin's balls. They were also of a good size. Likely able to give him a plentiful treat.  
  
"Tell me," Thorin said and let his fingers trail through Bilbo’s wild curls "-are all Hobbits so polite"  
  
"It's only proper to compliment a lover," Bilbo said, and smiled. "But trust me, it is not a hardship. Besides, if you find me rude I would perhaps not be allowed to do this again."  
  
Thorin smiled wryly. “When you look at me like that I find there is little I would not forgive."  
  
Pleased Bilbo beamed and then moved his attention to the cock he was holding. Darkened with the blood filling it and pearls of pre-come at the tip it was more than enough to make his mouth water.  
  
Darting his tongue out he stole another taste, enjoying Thorin's quiet hiss and the way the Dwarf’s hands tightened briefly in his curls before giving an apologetic caress.  
  
"I do not mind a little roughness," Bilbo said and gave the entire length a long slow lick. "As long as I don't end up as bald as Master Dwalin."  
  
"I assure you that it's not my doing," Thorin said with a teasing pull on one curl.  
   
Sealing his mouth over the head Bilbo moaned his pleasure which only enhanced by the clench of Thorin's fingers.  
  
"How much can you take?" Thorin wondered and freed a hand to stroke the hollow of Bilbo’s cheek. "There is no shame in not being able to take all of me, very few can."  
  
If Bilbo could have, he would have smiled around the thick shaft spearing his mouth. There was a particular  reason he had never wanted for bed partners despite being seen as rather odd by his neighbours.  
   
After a little exploration of the glans and the salty but delicious liquid gathering there, Bilbo moved his hands to Thorin's sturdy thighs to better brace himself.  Flattening his tongue to the underside of Thorin's cock Bilbo then relaxed his throat and let inch by inch slide in until his nose was buried in rough curls. The scent of Thorin made his head spin dizzily.  
   
He had greatly underestimated the Dwarf’s strength and was as such surprised by a thrust of Thorin's hips he did not have the power to ward against. It made his eyes water slightly but he didn't choke, and Bilbo grumbled unhappy when Thorin made to withdraw.  
  
The kings voice was rough when he spoke, blue eyes burning even hotter than before.  "Perhaps we may undress and lie down before my knees give way and take us there anyway."  
  
Immensely pleased at the admission of being so affected, Bilbo scrambled to his feet for a quick kiss before helping Thorin undress further. He figured Thorin's armour surely would take longer if he was to remove it unaided.  
  
With eager fingers and Thorin's helpful commentary it was fairly quick work before Thorin was bare, except for a golden chain around his neck.  
  
“Now you,” Thorin prompted, and compared to the Dwarf’s buckles and laces, Bilbo’s buttons was easy enough to deal with and soon they were both equally naked.  
  
Spreading his cloak over the mossy ground Thorin then picked up his trousers to find a vial of something Bilbo dearly hoped was oil. The Dwarf then gracefully sank down upon the cloak, almost being knocked backwards when Bilbo more or less tackled him in his eagerness.  
  
After more heated kissing Bilbo muttered "Where were we…" and licked, stroked and kissed his way down Thorin’s torso. The hair covering it was remarkably soft and Bilbo pressed his cheek against it wantonly. He wondered what it would feel like to rub his cock there. If Thorin would allow such a thing.  
  
Finding a pebbled nipple in his exploration Bilbo greeted it with his tongue and went in search of its companion with his fingers. Thorin’s hand caught his wrist before he reached his goal and the Dwarf growled and rolled them so that Bilbo was nestled beneath his heavy bulk.  
  
Taking the Hobbit’s mouth he thrust his tongue inside, matching the rhythm his hips had begun to set against Bilbo’s.  
   
Initially a little annoyed at being interrupted Bilbo still succumbed the pleasure and tangled his arms around Thorin’s neck, in Thorin’s dark hair.  
  
"I have ached for you for two days, spending hours and hours pressed against you on that damned beast, and you tease me?" Thorin growled when they separated.  
  
"Come now," Bilbo protested "It's hardly my fault there is so much of you. And all of it very delectable." He admiringly rubbed his hands down Thorin’s muscled back.  "Hobbits are just as greedy as any Dwarf, just perhaps not in the same way." Collecting what dignity someone lying naked in the middle of  a forest could be said to have Bilbo pushed at Thorin’s shoulders and continued: "Now may I please go back to sucking your cock?"  
  
Grumbling about making Bilbo a map so that he may find his way there faster Thorin complied and rolled them again so that Bilbo was on top.  
  
Rewarding his prickly lover with a kiss Bilbo made his way down Thorin’s body, defiantly giving a lick and pinch to both nipples as he passed them.  
  
Before Thorin could complain Bilbo quickly wrapped his hand and lips around the weeping cock, greedily letting himself be filled by it again. It was hard to say what felt better, to focus on the head and tasty liquid gathering there, or to take as much as he could of Thorin into his mouth, and fell both utterly possessed and utterly empowered at the same time.  
  
Both ways earned him the most delicious noises.  
  
With Thorin lying beneath him Bilbo could easily place most of his weight on the Dwarfs hips to hold him down as he leisurely bobbed his head up and down a few times before taking Thorin to the root. But considering the way the Dwarf’s hips remained tense it was perhaps more likely that it was Thorin’s self-control and not Bilbo’s strength that hindered any further choking.  
  
Thorin’s hands sadly were not back in Bilbo’s hair as the Dwarf has raised himself up on them to better observe what was happening. His gaze was almost as nice as a physical caressed, but only almost.  
   
"Can you come once more if I finish you now?" Bilbo asked between wet sucks and sloppy licks. He was eager to have Thorin’s spending but did not want to miss the chance of being filled.  
  
Thorin looked between the small pale hand handling his aching cock and Bilbo’s lovely, reddened lips and grunted a yes.  
  
Pleased, Bilbo went chasing after Thorin’s release with increased eagerness. With one hand he cupped Thorin’s heavy sack and let his fingers tease the sensitive skin hiding behind.  
  
He carefully let his teeth drag just the slightest bit against underside of the shaft and, anticipating it, he rode the involuntary lift off Thorin’s hips.  
  
After yet again taking the cock fully into his throat Bilbo hummed. For a while he altered between that and slow licks against the head and the thick vein running up the underside of his treat.  
  
A touch on his shoulder made him look up.  
  
The Dwarf looked almost pained in his pleasure, his breaths having long since begun to come in pants, and Bilbo was a _little_ sorry for teasing earlier. Only a little though, because even now Thorin still had the regal bearing most worthy of a king and the contrast between that and the desperation Bilbo could read in his face was breath-taking and the Hobbit would gladly tease away if that was the result.  
  
"I am close," Thorin bit out and Bilbo hummed again and mentally patted himself on the back when Thorin merely muttered about insolent Hobbits and allowed himself to lie back flat on the ground, arms starting to shake both from the pleasure and the strain of holding himself up.  
    
The first spurt landed too far in Bilbo’s mouth for him to get a taste and he quickly swallowed and let Thorin slip out a bit so the next landed more squarely on his tongue. It a tad bitter but pleasantly so, like some teas could be, and just salty enough to make him wish for more.  
  
When Thorin finished Bilbo pulled off with one last flick of his tongue against the head, and licked his lips.  
  
Seeing this Thorin groaned and hauled Bilbo close for a wet kiss. Straddling a muscled thigh Bilbo rubbed his own erection against smooth skin and soft hair.  
  
"You have my word that becoming erect once more will not be a problem," Thorin promised between dipping into Bilbo’s mouth to chase his own taste. "I ask for merely moments."  
  
Bilbo sneaked a hand down to curl around the not quite soft cock and Thorin hissed in a breath. “Or perhaps minutes. If all Hobbits are polite, are they also as eager as you?"  
  
"Are you entertaining plans of returning to the Shire and recruiting more?" Bilbo teased and stroked a hand through Thorin’s beard.   "Or, if I say yes will you turn this quest around and instead devote your days of merrymaking in the Shire?"  
  
Thankfully this mention of the quest did not cause Thorin’s eyes to go distant. Instead a playful smile emerged on thin lips.  
  
"Judging by my recent experience that would be more dangerous than the adventure we are currently on. Surely I would be sucked and nibbled into a permanent state of incoherence the very first day if all Hobbits were like you." Thorin slowly let his hand wander down Bilbo’s back to cup his arse. "Better than to limit myself and thus avoid being remembered as he who was pleasured to death"  
  
"Ah" Bilbo smiled, delighted with this clearly playful side of the otherwise so serious king "-but what a way to go."  
   
Still smiling Thorin took Bilbo’s lips again and curled his tongue around Bilbo’s. For a while there was just the soft slick sounds of their mouths meeting.  
  
"While I have my moments I believe it only fair you allow me an equal chance of making you lightheaded from pleasure" he murmured as they parted.  
   
"If you must" Bilbo said with a put upon sigh, rubbing his hips against Thorin’s thigh again. "I guess I will try and bear it.”  
   
"It would only be polite I assume," Thorin said and stroked his hands down Bilbo’s side to rest them at his hips. Twisting their legs together Thorin rolled them so he once again loomed over the Hobbit.  
   
Bilbo shivered when Thorin’s hair tickled his neck and face, and he tangled his hands in it to pull Thorin down for more kisses.  
  
Despite the change in position Bilbo’s erection found itself again being pleasantly squished against a furred thigh and despite not being fully hard yet, Thorin’s cock still felt like a hot brand where it pressed against the Hobbit’s stomach.  
  
Thorin’s mouth then wandered from Bilbo’s mouth to his neck, the same side where he had left a mark that first night, and he spent some time improving its colour and size, drawing out quiet moans and groans from Bilbo.  
  
Inspecting his work he stroked his fingers over it which made Bilbo shiver again and rub his cock more demanding against Thorin’s thigh. Untangling Bilbo’s hands from his hair Thorin then held them above  the Hobbits head. One if his own his hands easily circling the Hobbits wrists and raked his gaze over the curves and dips of Bilbo’s body.  
    
"I wonder how I should have you," Thorin murmured and stroked his free hand over Bilbo’s chest, pinching a nipple and then bending his head to soothe it with his mouth.  
  
"Should I ask you to go to your hands and knees and open you first with my tongue and then with oil slick fingers before sinking my cock so very deep in you."  
  
His hand and mouth refused to move to Bilbo’s other nipple which  ached with envy.  
  
"Three fingers won't do, you are too small and I'm not. But with my tongue first, and then four of my fingers I am sure you can take me as easily as you did with your mouth."  
  
Thorin’s hand moved to rub over Bilbo’s red lips and the Hobbit eagerly lapped at them.  
  
"Or should I have you on your back like this so I can watch your pretty mouth gasp and scream for me as I fill you up, again and again until you almost can’t bear it."  
Stroking the side of Bilbo’s face with his knuckles Thorin then stole another kiss.  
  
"I must admit, I did not think that Hobbits would be half as comely as you are.”  
  
"That's all right" Bilbo moaned as Thorin finally turned his attention to the neglected side of his chest, his fingers rubbing over the nipple even as his mouth again sought out the bruise he’d made on Bilbo’s neck. "No harm done, glad to- _oh_ …"  
  
Bilbo hadn't know there was a spot on his ears directly connected to his cock but as Thorin gently bit down on his lobe and then blew, sparks flared and Bilbo desperately twisted his hips against Thorin.  
   
"Please, are you ready soon? I don't want to spend until you're inside _meeee_ …"  
   
Thorin had discovered the same spot on Bilbo’s other ear and was happily making the Hobbit lightheaded with pleasure, as promised.  
   
"Please" Bilbo moaned and struggled against Thorin’s hold on his wrists. It did nothing to get him free and only caused him to rub more firmly against Thorin. "At least let me touch you."  
   
"Ah, but I haven't yet decided how I shall have you, my dear Hobbit. And if I let you go you will surely cloud my mind again and I shall only be able to rut against you like a beast."  
   
"Sounds like a plan" Bilbo groaned and twisted in Thorin’s grasp. "Nothing, ah, wrong with a good rut every now and again."  
   
"So you don't want me inside you then? Are your insides still too sore? Or will you simply seek your pleasure from another in our company. I know Dwalin is very taken with you. But he couldn't fill you as well as I can."  
   
"Then please do it" Bilbo said and managed to get his eyes open (when had he closed them? He didn’t know) to glare at Thorin. He squirmed against the Dwarf and felt the thick length as a rod of steel against his stomach. "You seem ready."  
   
"Patience."  
   
Thorin pondered his options.  
  
"I think we will start with you on all fours."  
   
"Finally," Bilbo groaned when Thorin released his hands. "And you accuse me of teasing"  
   
Seeing Thorin reach for the little vial of oil, it having laid forgotten until this moment, Bilbo reached down and squeezed the base of his cock to stop himself from finishing just when things would get really interesting. Thorin was all muscles and dark hair, graceful movements and strength. In the moonlight Bilbo could also see silvery scars marking his skin.  
  
A normal Hobbit should be put off by this, Bilbo mused to himself. Oh well. He could live with finding it beautiful.  
    
"Hands and knees," Thorin ordered as he used the oil to coat his fingers.  
   
Grumbling a little about politeness or lack thereof Bilbo nonetheless turned himself over and raised himself up on limbs he would pretend were not shaking, thank you very much.  
   
The first touch of thick fingers against his hole made him moan _most_ shamelessly and Bilbo pressed back against Thorin’s hand. A thick slippery digit pierced him while Thorin’s other hand caressed his side. It had only been days since he was last taken, and _how_ , but Bilbo felt like he had waited much longer for this.  
  
"Another" he demanded almost at once. “More.”  
  
"Greedy" Thorin admonished and slowly pumped the one finger in and out. "I said I do not wish to injure you."  
  
"Oh, bother," Bilbo groaned "Hobbits might seem soft to you, but we are not easily broken.”  
  
"You seem soft indeed," Thorin agreed "Soft and snug."  
  
The slow drag of the finger was making Bilbo crazy.  
  
"If I hadn't seen the aftermath I would not have thought you had taken half my company merely a few days ago."  
  
Bilbo grasped at something clever to say but his words all scattered like rabbits when there was suddenly another finger pressing against him, in him. He could only moan and rock back against them.  
   
"So quiet now, master Hobbit. Surely it is not polite to leave the conversation entirely to the other person?"  
   
If he hasn't needed both his hands for balance Bilbo gladly would have made a very impolite gesture.  
   
Spreading his fingers Thorin drizzled more oil down Bilbo’s crack. "Dwalin tells me you opened the door for him completely bare. Surely that us not polite either? What would your neighbours have said if they saw?"  
   
"Ah, as I said they already find me strange enough, You can give me another."  
  
Bilbo let himself sink down to rest his flushed cheek against Thorin’s cloak, it was thankfully easier to keep his knees beneath him than to hold his arms steady.  
  
 The oil was very slippery, but three fingers was a bit of a stretched. Bilbo thought it a pleasant burn but Thorin muttered a little and waited a moment before moving.  
   
"I think it would be easier if you were relaxed from having spent once already," he suggested. "I will make you come again when I am inside you."  
   
"No thank you," Bilbo panted and pushed back at the fingers driving him mad "Doing, ah, doing just fine here." He didn’t want to come until Thorin was inside him. He wanted to feel that fat cock slide inside him and-  
   
"You will come on my cock then," Thorin declared, irritated by the Hobbit’s stubbornness "Or not at all."  
   
"Trust me, not a problem," Bilbo moaned when Thorin’s fingers finally found that place inside him which made his vision go white for a moment.  
   
Arms suddenly too weak Bilbo collapsed onto his shoulder, knees still firmly on the ground, making his ass push up more towards Thorin and making the Dwarfs fingers again hit that spot inside him.  
   
"Please, I’m ready"  
    
Pulling his fingers out, Thorin coated all four again before returning them to the little furl of muscle.  
   
"That-," Bilbo mumbled into the cloak. "Is not your cock."  
   
"Greedy creature," Thorin complained but the soothing caress down Bilbo’s ribs and side removed any sting from the words. "I said you would take four fingers first and now you have them."  
  
Oh, he did indeed.  
   
"Let me have you then."  
   
Thorin considered. Four fingers should be enough. Bilbo was now not nearly as tight as he’d been at the beginning.  
   
"I wish to see you while I take you." Thorin withdrew his fingers

  
With great effort Bilbo turned onto his back and spread his legs. He gave the Dwarf a confused look when Thorin then shook his head.  
  
"No? But you said-"  
  
Settling himself in a sitting position Thorin took hold of his cock and gave stroked it, gratified by the way Bilbo fell quiet, eyes following the up and down motion as if spellbound by it.  
   
"As you are greedy, and as practice for our travel you should ride my cock."  
   
Irritation giving him strength, a muttering Bilbo got his knees beneath himself again and crawled the short distance to where Thorin sat.

  
Climbing into his lap made the Dwarfs cock ride the length of Bilbo’s crack.  
   
"Tell me, your highness," Bilbo sweetly inquired as he squirmed back against the hard length, placing his hands on Thorin’s shoulders, "-have you long wished to be a pony? They seem like sweet creatures that I admit."  
   
Grabbing Bilbo’s hips Thorin kissed the Hobbits insolent mouth to quiet him and angled his thrusts until he could feel the head of his cock catching against the rim of Bilbo’s slick opening.  
   
"Perhaps Dwalin should join us next time. Keep busy your mouth as I have you."  
   
"You think there will be a next time?” Bilbo asked loftily.  
   
"Yes," Thorin stated simply, and Bilbo frowned a little. "Now grab my shoulders and raise yourself up, I will only enter you with the very tip and then you may take the rest at your own pace."  
   
Bilbo supposed all this ordering about was natural for a king, but it would have to be stopped sooner rather than later. He was very much his own Hobbit.  
  
Just this once though, he thought, the heat from Thorin’s cock a searing brand at his back. Surely there would be time later to talk of annoying Dwarven stubbornness. Kíli and Fíli had been very courteous after all, except for some questionable jests, and as their uncle he must have had a hand in raising them. Getting his knees sorted on either side of Thorin’s hips Bilbo balanced himself with a hand on each sturdy shoulder.  
   
Thorin was slicking his cock with the rest of the oil and with his other hand he clasped  
Bilbo’s hip to help him find his way.  
   
Letting the head of his cock rest against Bilbo’s little hole he firmly grabbed the Hobbit’s hips and looked at him sternly.  
   
"Do not hurt yourself."  
  
“Oh please,” Bilbo’s protests dried up as his mouth fell opened at the same time his body opened for the slippery head of Thorin’s cock. Eyelashes fluttering Bilbo clenched his fingers and let out a stuttering breath.  
   
Four fingers had been a good idea after all.  
   
It hurt just a little having the fat head of Thorin’s cock sink inside of him, but it was a good hurt. The best hurt. And he wanted more.  
   
Taking a deep breath Bilbo consciously relaxed and then allowed himself to sink down entirely on the thick length.  
   
Thorin’s hands grabbed his hips hard enough to bruise.  
   
"Infuriating creature,” he hissed. “Did you hurt yourself?"  
  
When Bilbo wouldn't reply except for a moan the king shook the Hobbit slightly.  
   
"Answer me!"  
   
Bilbo had never been so perfectly filled. It was beyond words. Thorin could be how bossy he wanted if this was the result. Every little movement caused Thorin’s cock to rock against that little nub inside of him and sparks continuously filled Bilbo’s vision. As such, it was deeply upsetting when Bilbo felt hands on his hips, pulling him upwards.  
   
"No..!" he protested, and Thorin halted with only the head once again inside Bilbo.  
  
Bilbo swatted at one shoulder when the steely grip on his hips denied his descent. But Thorin would not be deterred.  
   
"Did I hurt you?" he growled. "And do not lie to me."  
   
"Yes a little, but, no no noo!" Bilbo begged when Thorin made to lift him off. "Only in the best way and now it just feels… incredible."  
   
Thorin searched Bilbo’s eyes and only finding pleasure and desperation he relented and let Bilbo sink down again. The Hobbit let out a moan and buried his head against Thorin’s neck.  
   
"I forgive you for being horribly bossy," Bilbo dreamily mumbled as Thorin’s cock again rubbed his insides in all the spine tingling ways imaginable.  
   
Thorin snorted and gave Bilbo’s ear a sharp nip.  
   
"How gracious of you," he said drily and stroked his thumbs along the padded bones of Bilbo's hips. "Are you planning to move sometime before the next age?" he added when the Hobbit showed no sign of movement.  
   
"Nope," Bilbo replied in the same dreamy voice. The slight pain of taking Thorin had lessened his urgency to come, and this felt too amazing to ever consider moving. Dwarfs were strong, Thorin had managed to lift him before, surely he would be able to go about his daily business with Bilbo speared on his cock.  
   
He had the time to think that even Thorin’s growl felt nice like this and then he was unceremoniously raised and lowered as Thorin’s hands tightened on his hips and Thorin’s rutted up into him.  
   
Gasping for air Bilbo had to reconsider his previous decision. The thrust had caused not only sparks but _fireworks_ to flare across his vision. There might be something with this movement thing after all.  
   
-

 _And they finish shagging._  
  
-  
   
   
When Thorin made to lift Bilbo off his softening cock Bilbo stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Could you- unless you are too sensitive, could I stay like this, just a little while?"  
   
Thorin agreed, but when it seemed like the Hobbit would doze off he gently shook Bilbo’s shoulder.  
   
"Getting stuck like this would not be fun for either of us," he said and coaxed Bilbo off his cock which flopped wetly against his thigh when it was freed.  
  
Whining little over the feeling of emptiness Bilbo curled up on Thorin’s lap and wound his arms around as much as he could of the Dwarfs stocky chest.  
   
Thorin pressed two fingers against Bilbo’s hole, making soothing noises at Bilbo’s whimper.

Thorin was pleased when his fingers only came away smeared with oil and his own seed. He had been truthful when he’d said that he didn’t wish to cause any hurt.  
   
Gathering the half-asleep Bilbo in his arms Thorin stood up and walked the short distance back to the main camp. Nodding at Dwalin who stood watch Thorin carried Bilbo over to his nephews who had placed their bedrolls close to the fire.  
  
Fíli raised his head as Thorin drew near and grinned at the sight of the naked and tousled Hobbit.  
  
"I take it he is not up for another romp this night?" Fíli teased, amused it seemed his uncle was as effective as twelve others when it came to sating their burglar.  
  
"Make sure Kíli keeps his hands to himself," Thorin warned and looked at his still sleeping nephew.  
  
"I would think he'll sleep to the morn, he made me another bet and I will tell you I did not lose it."  
  
Fíli reached up his arms for the boneless Hobbit and smiled when Bilbo quickly settled at his side.  
  
"Soon we will be in more unwelcoming lands," Thorin warned. "We will have to be more cautious and there will be less time for play."  
  
"I'm sure we will all make the most of the time we have" Fíli replied and looked meaningfully between Bilbo and his uncle, grinning at the frown on Thorin’s face.  
   
Huffing in a way entirely unbecoming royalty Thorin turned to go back to collect their clothes and things still lying in the woods.  
  
He felt sated but entirely awake so passing Dwalin he told his friend he would take over watch duty on his return.  
   
Kíli and Bilbo tangled together as two pups and Fíli’s arm stretched over them both.  
   
Pride and shame warred within Thorin. Shame because he could not provide more than a fire and bedroll for his kin, pride because they did not require anything more. Kíli and Fíli had both been born after Smaug had come to Erebor. They had never wandered it's halls nor seen it's splendour. They were princes by rights and warriors by heart, and if Gandalf held true Thorin would with Bilbo’s help make sure they reclaimed their home.  
   
Fire light took away what little trace years had left on the Hobbit face and Thorin hoped Gandalf would not be proven wrong about their burglar, for all their sake.  
   
-  
  
 ** _Other bits which I had planned but am not really in the mood to write any more in this little porny universe:_**  
  
 _The company love giving Bilbo facials as he has no beard to get messy._  
  
 _Drunk!Thorin in Rivendell is even more intense and much more quiet. Bilbo finds this… interesting._  
  
 _How many times can Ori come inside Bilbo?_  
  
 _The reason Dwaling can deepthroat Thorin is long practice, they grew up together after all._  
  
 _Thorin fingerfucking Bilbo until he comes. Twice?_

_Beorn. Nuff said. Who cares if it’s not physically possible_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Thorin ruined his afterglow by brooding. Who is surprised?
> 
> Critic on smut-writing is more than welcome by the way. Do I get bonus points for avoiding "throbbing members" and the like?


	7. Bye-bye Bag End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Bilbo had stayed longer in Erebor that would have meant that the auction would have gone ahead as planned. Oh dear.

Bilbo stays in Erebor for a while after the BoFA. (everyone we know lives, huzzah, well, except like Azog and such)

Bilbo is in love with Thorin, but for some reason Thorin either rejects him or just won't tell Bilbo that he's stupidly in love with him too. I’m thinking that Thorin is feeling very much unworthy after the mess he made what  with the Arkenstone and such, but Bilbo rather takes it to mean that Thorin won’t ever feel the same way.

So our burglar goes back home to the Shire. *sniff*

Only, he’s been away so long he has no home left. Bag End is not his anymore. And he doesn't have the heart or energy to fight with Lobelia. (He settled for taking his silverware, even if it _is_ petty. And yes, he used the ring while he did it.)

While he would stay with relatives, it’s not what he wants. But he can’t have what he wants.

He can’t go back to Erebor, he can’t stay where he’s at. So Bilbo ends up at Rivendell.  
  
Cue Thorin coming to look for him at Bag End, having realised that he’s an utter wanker.

He properly snarls at Lobelia when finding her inside Bilbo’s home. (yay! the crowd goes wild!)

Lobelia says something about Bilbo might be lying dead in a bush for all that she cares, and it is Dwalin’s turn to snarl.   
  
Thorin learns that Bilbo has run off to the Elves. Joy. Or not. But Thorin would rather have Bilbo safe with Elves than some alternative where safe is included.  
  
In Rivendell Bilbo and Elrond are heading straight towards BFFs. Lindir is a bit: My Lord, don’t tell the Hobbit about all these embarrassing bits of our history…. It is embarrassing…. But Elrond loves how Bilbo wants to learn.

Arwen is off living with Galadriel, but Elladan and Elrohir instantly takes to Bilbo as well. And they remind him of Fíli and Kíli which is both nice and painful.  
  
When Thorin shows up Bilbo isn’t quite sure what to think. But he’s leaning towards something bad happening because what else could make Thorin leave Erebor and go to Rivendell of all places? It has to be an emergency of sorts.  
  
Long story short, Thorin admits that he was stupid. Bilbo yells.

Everyone is happy except Lindir who stumbles in on Thorin and Bilbo shagging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to be a story because there is a limit to how many Thorin-is-being-thick plots I'm allowed to write.


	8. Harlequin!fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To get his inheritance Thorin must marry Bilbo. Drama ensues. And at the end, true love.

Thorin isn't exactly pleased when the family lawyer Gandalf tells him that he has to marry a Bilbo Baggins or else his inheritance will go to his step-brother Smaug.  
  
Who is this Bilbo Baggins anyway?  
  
The first answer to that questions seems to be a short, blond man who likes to go barefoot and spends much too long poking around in his garden.  
  
The second opinion on the matter is that he’s an annoying little bastard who refuses to go along with Thorin’s plan even though he clearly would need the money a marriage to Thorin would get him.  
  
The third… well, he does change his mind after actually meeting Smaug.  
  
-  
  
“ _That’s_ the guy who is going to get your inheritance if I won’t marry you?” Bilbo asked as he stared after Smaug.  
  
“Yes,” Thorin said darkly. “Does the thought please you?”  
  
“Of course it doesn’t,” Bilbo frowned. “He was even a more insufferable git than you.”  
  
-  
  
“You’re marrying me just so Smaug won’t get the money?” Thorin asked, confused.  
  
“Why not?” Bilbo asked. “You’re marrying _me_ just so that Smaug won’t get the money, what’s the difference?”  
  
-  
  
And then they fall in love even if they won’t admit it even to themselves. They sleep together once, which is awesome, but they just pretend it was due to alcohol, cosmic influence or the damned butterfly effect or something and go back to the way they were before.  
  
The climax of the story is when it is revealed that Frerin and Dís (everyone believed they had died three months earlier in an accident) was really just being held by Smaug in; what Bilbo describes as:  his EVIL lair.

Smaug goes to jail. The Durins are happy. (Except for Fíli and Kíli who are not yet born in this story as Dís hasn’t met Víli yet.  
  
Bilbo realises that Thorin doesn’t have to marry him, with Smaug out of the picture, there’s no reason for their marriage any longer. So he packs his bags and leaves his engagement ring on the writing desk in his room.  
  
Thorin finds it when he comes looking for Bilbo, and is just ._.  
He sits down on Bilbo’s bed and looks miserable, and that’s when Bilbo comes back because he forgot his handkerchiefs. (OR HIS HEART)  
  
Thorin tries to talk Bilbo into marrying him after all, even going so far to mentioning the economic aspects of it. He immediatly backtracks, and tells Bilbo that he'll of course give him any sum of money he needs anyway, as a thank you.

Bilbo explains (feeling confused) that he's quite wealthy already, thank you. He doesn't need to marry Thorin to avoid ending up on the street.  
  
Thorin is like wut? Because he heard Lobelia talking about how Bilbo was going to lose Bag End soon.  
  
But that was of course just Lobelia being Lobelia.  
  
And then a little more drama, and they kiss and there is a wedding. (the time span between these three things are not the same)

Dís meets Víli at the wedding. Frerin gets drunk and almost sleeps with Nori who decides to be a gentleman about the entire thing and they only shag two days later when Frerin is both sober and not hung-over anymore. 

  
The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does he have to marry Bilbo you ask? Because this is a Harlequin! *runs away giggling*


	9. Fiction and Reality Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin meets Richard Armitage. Thorin is not impressed. Bilbo meets Martin Freeman. Bilbo is kind of scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically the summary is this fic.

Due to quantum physics (no one understands that anyway) Bilbo and Thorin is suddenly transported into our world. And they end up with the actors who played them.

 

Just the sheer fact that Richard Armitage looks a lot more like an Elf than a Dwarf (apart from his lovely nose) would make Thorin frown and wonder what in Mahal's beard is going on. But eventually they'd bond because Richard is one of the few people who truly understands Thorin.

 

And Bilbo... the diplomatic expression would be that he finds Martin Freeman interesting. The honest truth is that he's rather freaked out. This Man is very much like a person would be if you took Kíli and Nori and Dwalin's swearing and mixed them up in one body. He seems nice... but it's just too... strange.

  
  
Both are relieved when they're transported back to Middle-Earth.

  
  
-

  
  
Meanwhile, Ian McKellen and Gandalf are off being BFFs forever in Rivendell.

Ian tries to explain basic plot of The Matrix to Elrond. It's not what you could call a success.

V for Vendetta, Cloud Atlas and Happy Feet do not go over better.  
  
  
"What is this penguin creature?"  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not writing this either, but I think this is potentially hilarious.


	10. Rock and Roll All Night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rock star!AU

Thorin Oakenshield is a rock star. Or well, he was one. But it’s been years since he released anything.

 

His father and grandfather had both been in the business as well. Both struggling with drug abuse.  

Thorin was heading towards a good career as a twentysomething and then Smaug and the Dragons pushed him off the charts. Stupid fucking name for a rock band, Thorin has always thought so.

Not only that, but Thorin had family issues as well. His sister died and he was left alone with Fíli and Kíli. So rock star dreams were put on hold.

Flash forward ten years and cue Gandalf as the owner of a Major record label (or co-owner or something. I could _totally_ see Galadriel as the head honcho.)  
  
He tells Thorin that he’ll get a second chance, but then a certain Bilbo Baggins has to be involved. Otherwise the deal is off.   
  
Bilbo is a songwriter. Who’s stopped writing. Until he meets Thorin and his inspired again.

 

Thorin is not impressed at first (he thinks Bilbo looks like a - grocer? well, accountant maybe) but that changes when he hears that one song that is if Thorin could have written it himself. It’s amazing.  
   
The company is musicians or friends.   
  
Azog could be an up and coming singer in a screamo band or something on the rivalling record label Mordor which is always looking to take over [relevant name for the Galadriel owned company] Lorien (?)  
  
And the rest of the world shows up here and there.  
  
Blahblah blah.

Thorin’s album is a success, even if everything is almost ruined when he gets drunk as fucking hell and almost kills himself his nephews and Bilbo (drunk driving maybe?)

 

Things work out in the end though.

 

-

Album name: _Homeward Bound_  
  
First Single (the song that Bilbo wrote):   _Loyalty. Honour. A Willing Heart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, this plot bunny is just to see Thorin in leather trousers and eyeliner. And tattoos. We need lots of tattoos.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it was so a Dwarf nagged his way into changing the afterlife forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cleaning some more.

A fix-it from Thorin's pov where he goes to Mahal and talks him into allowing Hobbits into the Dwarven part of the afterlife.  
  
Yavanna helps, because she knows her husband can be a bit stubborn at times.

 

"What's next, I'll be allowing Elves to come live with my children?" Mahal muttered.

"Well, that Legolas fellow would likely be up for it," Yavanna said with a bright smile. "Gimli is such a nice boy, don't you think?"  
  
  
  
It is revealed that Durin the Deathless was only deathless because he annoyed Mahal enough for the Valar to keep sending him back to life with the hope that he'd learn something.


	12. The Amazing Race

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Amazing Race - the television programme

Amazing race game show - THE HOBBIT EDITION  
  
Everyone is paired up two and two (or three), and the goal is basically to win. You win by travelling around the world and doing challenges and the like. 

 

  
Thorin’s and Bilbo’s partners withdrew at the last minute (Frerin and Gandalf) so the two are given the choice of joining up together or withdrawing.

 

The teams:  
Thorin&Bilbo  
Fíli&Kíli  
Dwalin&Balin  
Óin&Glóin  
Nori&Ori&Dori  
Bofur&Bifur&Bombur

 

 

Thorin constantly gets them lost and Bilbo has to point them in the right direction.

  
One challenge is an eating contest and Bilbo wins without problem.

Either I see that Thorin and Bilbo wins the whole thing and there's like a victory hug of awesome on somewhere high up (does this by any chance sound familiar?) or they bond while watching the final teams compete and there's an ending that hints of something more to come with the two of them. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not writing this because I've not really watched the show enough, I don't really feel up to it. I can't come up with enough challenges and the like.


	13. You do what!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hobbits cut their hair and Dwarfs pierce their ears. Both these things cause outrage for the other side. + other cultural issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've not read similar fics to this already you've been missing out.

The twist to this is that I was thinking that there are many more cultural difference that will cause problems.  
  
To start with, what makes Thorin dislike Bilbo at first is his similarity to Elves. Or rather hobbits similarity in general.

He doesn’t find Bilbo attractive. Like at all. He's small and soft and smoothskinned, with those damned ears. And when the company finds out that Hobbits cut their hair, that's just.. yeah, Hobbits are so strange.  
  
And Bilbo, he doesn't swoon at Thorin's feet either. Because speaking of the feet, they're much too small. And all the Dwarfs are hairy in places where they should be, and bare in the places that should have hair. And they're so rude! Not to mention too much muscle and not enough fat. Except Bombur. It's quite possible Bilbo might get a bit of crush on Bombur.

 

Then this fic can go in any number of directions.

  
Does Thorin and Bilbo grow to care about each other and eventual learn to look beyond the superficial?  
  
Does Bombur woo Bilbo with food?  
  
Does someone faint when a twig gets stuck in Bilbo's hair and he simply cuts it out?  
  
Can Bilbo look at Dwalin's decorated ears without feeling slightly ill?

 

Or do they just go along on the quest and learn to appriciate each other regardless of all the cultural differences?

 

 

Would also include moping!Kíli because his beard his too short and his features are to fine, and his body too thin, to be considered a Dwarven standard of beauty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will not co-operate with me, if anyone else have better luck, awesome!


	14. Fem!Thorin and Fem!Bilbo and Thorin being stubborn as usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin Oakenshield had sworn never to fall in love

Thorin Oakenshield had sworn never to fall in love because love only lead to loss. She’d seen it happen again and again. Her parents, her grandparents, Dís and Víli… What was the point of setting yourself up for such heartache?  
  
No, to love your family that was enough. To cherish your friends, that was plenty. And to occasionally sleep with someone who caught your fancy, well, that was pretty damned satisfactory. Anything else was just needlessly complicated.  
  
For a good long while it seemed to be working, Thorin didn’t fall in love. But then one spring evening, a Wizard’s (rather poor) directions brought Thorin to a hole in the ground in which there lived a Hobbit, and it turned out that it wasn’t Thorin’s resolve that had stopped her from falling; it was just that the right person hadn’t tripped her up yet.

 

 

And then this fic turns into nothing original at all, and I give up and go back to writing AU:s. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Female!Bilbo is adorable though. And don't forget female!Thorin must have a beard if it's canon.


	15. Ori writes friendfic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See title.

_Thorin’s steel blue eyes looked down upon the Hobbit with enough heat to melt the -_  
  
“What are you writing, Ori?” Kíli asked, and Ori made a most undignified sound and scrambled to shield his notebook from Kíli's curious eyes.

"Nothing!" Ori said, trying to sound like someone who hadn't just been about to write indecent things about his friend's uncle and said uncle's burglar.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to fit this into "Of Dwarfs..." somewhere, but it never quite worked. But it's a really cute idea if you ask me.


	16. ABC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A concept idea based on the alphabet, but one I'm not able to wrestle into shape.

Stone, metal and flowers. A Thorin/Bilbo ABC. 

The idea of this is that each chapter or section would follow the alphabet. All stories would be connected to Thorin and Bilbo and it wouldn't necessary be chronlogical, but still something you could read as a story and not just bits.

We start with A. and then continue all the way down to Z.   
  


_Like this:_

  
**Aventurine**  
When Bilbo was young he thought that the stone was called 'Adventuring'. That his mother had a necklace of adventures. And his mother would think that it was a darling notion and would tell him stories, one for each of the stones on her necklace.  
  
Thorin could tell him that the stone is said to bring good luck to its carrier. In particular the green kind. That is, if Bilbo would ask, because he's mostly forgotten his mother's pretty necklace at this point. Then again, he's got his own adventure now.

_And like this:_  
     
**Bloodstone**   
Bilbo would say it was a dark stone with dark red spots. Thorin would call it dark dark red with brighter spots. They would agree to disagree.  
  
Bloodstone symbolises change and is said to have formed when one of the seven Fathers were slain. Because death always brings change, that's one thing that you can know for sure. That's the Dwarven story.   
  
To Hobbits, bloodstone stands for sacrifice. There once was a Hobbit who [long and engaging story about said Hobbit. Awesome.]

 

_And then we keep on in much the same manner._

  
   
Copper  
   
Diamond  
   
Emerald  
   
Forget-me-not  
   
Gold  
   
Hawthorn  
   
Iron  
   
Jade  
   
Knapweed  
   
Lily  
   
Moonstone   
  
Nettle  
  
Nightshade  
   
Obsidian  
   
Pewter  
   
Quartz  
   
Ruby  
   
Sapphire  
   
Silver  
   
Topaz  
   
Umbrella plant (!!!???? Seriously, no.)  
   
Veronica (um... yeah, boring)  
   
Wisteria   (also boring)  
  
Wolfsbane  
  
Windflower  
   
Xanthisma (I don't even remember what this is anymore)  
   
Yarrow  
   
Zircon (zzzzz)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write something good with this idea, but I like the concept. I don't like some of my ABC suggestions, but yeah. You have google too I assume ;)


	17. Bilbo the Vampire Slayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU with Bilbo as Buffy and Thorin as Angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Finally back home, unfortunately my brain is a bit fried so tomorrow I shall try again to write and post something  
> BUT, now I shall commence to post a lot of leftover ideas that I will likely never write  
> Time to clean my files now before the new year
> 
> GRAB SOME IDEAS WHILE THEY'RE HOT, lol

Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU, SUCH AN OBVIOUS IDEA AND WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN THIS ALREADY?

Why?

Thorin is one of the few people who would out-brood Angel and Bilbo is cute, short, blond(ish) and pretty kick-ass.

Obviously they'd be awesome as Buffy and Angel

And we've an awesome supporting cast to fill in for the others too

Could be played for crack, because there's a lot of hilarity found in Thorin as a Vampire with the btvs game face and fangs and Bilbo being all, um, oh dear, and being incredibly polite up until he kicks everyone's arse.

And of course there's a hell (no pun intended) of a lot of potential for angst what with the way season one  and season two of Buffy ended, like, just go crazy with it.

Haha, or why not, Bilbo the Vampire Layer, and you can do a porn-AU

And my vote for Spike would totally be Frerin. He could totally slick back his hair and be a blond bitchy vamp who is secretly a lazy dork who likes tea and telly  
Dru, well, Dís, obviously

Incest or not, not my call to make for you lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone wants to write this I'd totally be on board to answer any and all Buffy related questions lol
> 
> That was the first show I really fangirled over


	18. Tattoos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone has a one night stand with for example Thorin or Dwalin and then finds them again by tracing them via their tattoos.

Someone has a one night stand with for example Thorin or Dwalin and then finds them again by tracing them via their tattoos. Maybe they lost the phone number they were given?

Or they just see them in the street, on the tube, whatever, and fall instantly in love, and then find them again by finding the place who made their tattoos.

The friends of this character obviously think they've gone more than a bit bonkers, words like stalker and obsessive is being thrown around, and admittedly yes, they have a point.

But [main character] has _never_ felt like this before, and looking for them at the club, street, tube, whatever, haven't worked at all. They need to find them.

  
And yes! Finally they find the tattoo place who has made the tattoo, only they don't give out the name of their customers. Cue puppydog eyes and pleading, and while [main character] tries to convince them to make an exception Thorin or Dwalin or whoever walks into the studio.  
  
*romantic music starts playing in the background*  
  
  
[Main character]: "I swear I'm not stalking you."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain does not seem to want to actually write this, so yeah, if anyone else wants to, go for it


	19. Crack AU where the one ring is something pink and sparkly

Crack AU where the One Ring is something pink and sparkly.

 

I'm tempted to leave the idea just like that and see if it tickles anyone's imagination like it does mine, haha.

 

But yeah, imagine Sauron, Isildur, the entire events of the LoTR films, Bilbo running about in Mirkwood etc etc

with the Ring looking like

 

Or worse.

And why end there? Have Gandalf wear a cap, and the Dwarfs prance about in high heels (not that they're compensating or anything) 

Maybe the Trolls have a really posh English accent, or talk like they're from a Shakespearian play or something.

But HAVE THE RING BE PINK AND SPARKLY


	20. FtM Bilbo

Bilbo comes along on the quest looking exactly as we've seen him in the films, and then somewhere along the way there's some naked time of some sort and the Dwarfs (or at least one of them) realise that Bilbo is missing some bits that they were expecting to be there.

 

"You're a girl?"  
  
"No I'm not," Bilbo protested. "This is just... an accident."  
  
"A magical one?" Many suspicious looks were sent towards Gandalf.   
  
"No. I just." Bilbo's shoulders slumped a little. "I don't think I was meant to be like this but-" He shrugged. "Perhaps even Eru makes mistakes sometimes."

   
  
And Dwarfs aren't particularly concerned with what bits you have anyway (say hello to my headcanon that about 90% of them swing all ways) but they do get a little worried since Bilbo so clearly isn't happy with his bits. That's not something they're used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is not being written because a.) I don't know how to end it, and b.) I _really_ don't know how to end it  
>  You can't exactly have surgery in M-E, nor hormone therapy and all that, and having someone go MAGIC, and fix everything seems like cheating. Plus, I don't think M-E magic works like that.  
> But I wouldn't want to leave Bilbo in the wrong body either, BUT, that seems like the only way to go and that makes me not want to end it.
> 
> So yeah, another plot bunny up for adoption.


	21. Matchmakers Meet Their Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin and Bilbo are set up by their friends to go on a blind date, only neither of them are told it's a blind date, and they plan to take revenge on their friends and ends up falling in love.

Thorin and Bilbo are set up by their friends to go on a blind date, only neither of them are told it's a blind date

None of them actually wants to date, hence being single, and they do not appreciate their friends' moronic attempt to "make them happy"

They're perfectly happy, thank you very much

One of them (and my money is on Thorin as it's a pretty crappy plan) suggests that as revenge they'll pretend to have fallen in love, only they'll act as if it's unrequited

So they'll moon over each other whenever their friends are around, to show them that wasn't it nicer before any meddling took place?

 

Basically we have Bilbo weaving long detailed fantasies out loud about Thorin's broad shoulders and pretty eyes and so on, maybe to Dwalin who definitely did not need to hear this about his cousin

And to Bofur Bilbo pretends to be heart broken, because Thorin is so out of his league, tragic tragic

And we have Thorin going on and on and on about Bilbo's curls and cute nose and cuter arse to Dwalin who again DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THIS

And to Nori (who can't stand lovely-dovey stuff) he recites bad bad poetry about the colour of Bilbo's eyes

 

And so on

 

And while this is going on Thorin and Bilbo talk on the phone and bond over making their friends miserable and eventually falls in love for real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm allergic to traditional romantic comedies and this seems like one waiting to happen lol  
> So I think the idea is cute, but I've got plenty of other cute ideas that doesn't follow any Hollywood steps, hence dumping this one here


	22. Smut - Fuck or Die

 There is no plot, but there is SMUT

 Basically Hobbits need to fuck or they'll die, and this is of course set in a world where this does not lead to non-con dub-con because no thank you.  
  
  


“Right,” Bilbo said on the first night they made camp. “Time for me to get fucked. Any volunteers?”

If an Orc pack would have picked that moment to march though camp, it was quite possible no one would have paid it any attention

“Or if you want, I can fuck you. I like that as well."

 

 

And once our dear Dwarfs have gotten over their shock there's a line of volunteers.


	23. Banished pregnant Bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is banished from Erebor (no one dies in Bofa, but Thorin does not forgive him for taking the Arkenstone)  
> And Bilbo is preggers. And yes, it's Thorin's baby. Only none of the Dwarfs knows that male Hobbits can get pregnant in the first place.

Thorin is an arse and banishes Bilbo for stealing the Arkensstone.  
Bilbo is pregnant. He does not reveal this because of reasons.  
  
Later Fíli and Kíli are kinda fed up with Thorin, who has continued to be an arse (and even bigger one as he's lost his Hobbit) so Kíli, Bofur and erm, someone else go 'fuck it!' and goes off to find Bilbo. To apologise if nothing else.

They stumble across Gandalf on the way who directs them to Rivendell, it was not safe to travel further in Bilbos state.  
  
This gives the Dwarfs the impression that Bilbo is deathly ill, and they rush off to Rivendell.

  
  
"Were you aware of your condition already when you left Erebor?" Bofur asked gently.  
  
"I- yes..." Bilbo looked away.  
  
"You should have told us," Bofur said, blinking back tears. "Told Thorin. It would have changed- he would have wanted you to stay."  
  
"It would have changed what," Bilbo muttered. "Thorin was either not thinking straight or he was being deliberately cruel. Why would I-"  
  
"He would have wanted to be with you, during- while- before-" Bofur pulled nervously on one flap of his hat. "Before you'd leave us."  
  
Bilbo could hardly believe what he was hearing. 

 

And basically that conversation leaves Bilbo thinking that the Dwarfs would take his baby, before banishing him *again* and he throws Bofur out.

And everyone is very upset for a while.

Kíli or Fíli do eventually figure out that Bilbo's stomach isn't bloated with something horrible inside, but he is in fact pregnant.

 

This require some time to get over.

Then there are happier times

 

Could end in several ways.

  
Thorin could come to Rivendell to growel after being told.

They could escort Bilbo to the Shire and Thorin could go there.

Bilbo could fall in love with someone else amongst those who sought him out.

Someone tells him about the gold-sickness (they'd not before) and Bilbo realises that he needs to go back to Erebor and sort Thorin out...

And probably more ways besides.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not doing this one because I can't be arsed to sort out the details.


	24. Dreaming of not-you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo dreams a steamy dream and wakes up with the realisation that he is in love. Only, not in the one the dream was about.

Bilbo dreams a steamy dream and wakes up with the realisation that he is in love. Only, not in the one the dream was about. Instead he realises that he wants it to be about someone else.  
  
Bilbo spends some time being confused. This wasn't what it was like in the stories. When you dream about bedding someone, that surely means that you're interested? But he wasn't at all interested in [Character A]. Instead he realises that if he'd dreamt about [Character B]... *instant blush and instant boner*  


And to complicate matters [Character B] overheard the dream and overheard Bilbo saying [A]'s name.

Go figure [B] gets grumpy.

 

But in the end they sort it out, and everyone agrees that dreams are dreams and really weird, and someone blurts that they once had a dream about Gandalf and yeah, awkward.


	25. Bilbo and Thorin are Yavanna and Mahal

Mahal and Yavanna are born as Thorin and Bilbo. They pissed Eru off and now they're punished by living like mortals for a lifetime. Eru hadn't intended for them to find each other but go figure.

Bungo and Belladonna could not actually get children together, hence Bilbo being an only child (without Eru meddling there'd been no kids at all)

And Mahal/Thorin ends up in the line of Durin because of reasons. Depending on how big of an arse you think Eru is it's possible he knew that Smaug was coming and wanted to teach Mahal a lesson about something related to that.

 

Maybe they remember who they were, maybe not, maybe they regain their memories after a while.

 

 


	26. They're gods, think Greek pantheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is the god of spring, Thorin is the god of winter  
> They're morons

Bilbo is the god of spring, Thorin is the god of winter  
They're morons

Thorin is in love with Bilbo  
He thinks Bilbo and Bofur are in love.   
Bilbo thinks Thorin hates him, but he can't help but have a real big crush on him.  
Bofur just loves everyone.  
Dís is just heartily sick of her brother, another millennia of this and she'll find a way to kill a god on general principle.

Bofur is the god of summer? Or the god of love?

Dwalin is the grumpiest god of whatever he is ever. And Ori is the cutest.

Kíli is sorta like Cupid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one that I like, but the detailsssssssss...  
> I've other bunnies I like more, so if anyone would like to do this one and decide who really is god of what, yay! go for it


	27. Runway Frodo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've seen at least four stories where Bilbo more or less finds Fíli and Kíli (or just one of them) and takes care of them until Thorin comes along.   
> What if Frodo is the one lost, having run away after the death of his parents. And what if Thorin is the one who finds him.

I've seen at least four stories where Bilbo more or less finds Fíli and Kíli (or one of them) and takes care of them until Thorin comes along.   
What if Frodo is the one lost, having run away after the death of his parents. And what if Thorin is the one who finds him. 

Except for him being a Hobbit Frodo could totally be Thorin's son. They do look a lot alike.   


And Bilbo eventually hears about the Hobbit amongst the Dwarf and goes to find his cousin-nephew.

HAPPY ENDING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small plot bunny that has never wanted to grow into an actual story.


	28. Tell me your name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Name magic is a thing and you don't give anyone your real name unless you trust them completely.

Set in a world/verse where names are very important, and the reason why Dwarfs have secret ones is simply because giving someone your real name is giving them power over you.

Hobbits don't have secret names but they have many names. And they're naturally resistant to magic anyway.

Balin's peptalk to Bilbo before he goes in to see Smaug is basically, if he's alive, you know his name, you'll have power over him, use it!!

 

[This idea comes entirely from the below conversation which decided to pop into my head]

 

"But I have your name, oh Smaug," Bilbo said, surprised at how steady his voice was.  
  
The Dragon laughs.  
  
"That is not my real name, little shadow. How could it be? Did you think that when I came here I stopped to introduce myself? Or that one of the dwarfs asked for my name? Smaug is a name i have been given by scared people. You know _nothing_."

 

Things happen pretty much like canon and then happy ending and if Bilbo has any love interest there could be a cute name exchange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because HOOOOOW does everyone know what Smaug's name is?  
> Did he stop and introduce himself somewhere along the way of stamping and eating people?
> 
> Also, I do like the idea of name magic being dangerous. Because there are a loooot of characters in M-E who has many names and who does not go by their "true" names.


	29. Dís does Diplomacy

AU where Dís comes along to help Thorin make friends, and she basically does this by shagging her way through the plot.

For example Mirkwood:

"Tell me, captain," Dís said as she smirked up at Tauriel through the iron bars. "Is there nothing I can do to... convince you to let us go?"

" _Mum_ ," Fíli said in a horrified voice. 

  
And that ends with Dís just getting everyone out cause all Elves are like comatose from all the orgasms, no wine necessary for Bilbo to steal keys.

In fact, they almost forget Bilbo because of course he's been invisibly watching and wanking and is a happy pile of Hobbit goo (almost literally). But Dís picks him up on their way out and hands him to Dwalin. 

  
"Hobbit girls are _not_ like that," Bilbo said dreamily.   
  
"The princess is one of a kind," Dwalin replied.   
  
"Really?" Bilbo asked. "Well, maybe that's good or everyone would keep getting distracted all the time."  
  
Dwalin says nothing as he's plenty distracted by his armful of relaxed, squirming, happy Hobbit. Who smells really good.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, another porn version of canon, but a new twist.
> 
> Why I'm not doing it:  
> well, first of all I manage to squick myself out everytime I remember Trolls and Orcs, because NO  
> But even if I ignore that part of canon there's still something about this idea that isn't connecting entirely.  
> Lol, the moral of the story is basically: shag yourself out of problems, and I'm not sure I'm behind this as a life philosophy, so that might be it.


	30. Land of Bear, Land of Eagle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I can't be the only one who's realised how awesome the below song is for the Hobbit?  
> Please tell me someone else has already done this and I've just missed it.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hoyDQ3LeTU
> 
> It's a cover of Song of Exile, which was in the King Arthur film. (one of many covers btw, this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQQuNbhe5hI is also really good)

Okay, have some song lyrics and my raving commentary:

Land of bear and land of eagle  
Land that gave us birth and blessing  
Land that called us ever homewards  
  
We will go home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
  
Land of freedom land of heroes  
Land that gave us hope and memories  
Hear our singing  
Hear our longing  
  
We will go home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
  
Land of sun and land of moonlight  
Land that gave us joy and sorrow  
Land that gave us love and laughter  
We will go home across the mountains  
  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains  
  
When the land is there before us  
We have gone home across the mountains  
We will go home, we will go home  
We will go home across the mountains

Right, so we've Beorn and Eagles and people who wants to go to their home on a path over the mountains. I'm staring at you know, very meaningfully.

What I have of this idea so far is basically a tiny opening scene wherein Bilbo watches the King Arthur movie, so please, feel free to use it if you like the idea:

 

///

You would think -  if you were the type of person to think about such things - that if you watched a film that made you recall a previous life, then that film ought to have something to _do_ with said past life. Not so, it would prove for [Random Name], or as he once had been known, Bilbo Baggins. 

He'd been watching a pretty girl begin to sing a song, but the girl had barely gotten the first line out before he felt as if he'd been struck by lightning. 

_Land of bear and land of eagle_

_Land that gave us birth and blessing_

_Land that called us ever homewards_

_We will go home across the mountains_  
  


"You okay mate?" His, no [Random Name]'s, no, _his_ friend Toby asked. 

"I think that I'm maybe not," Bilbo murmured as more than a lifetime of memories tried to find their place in his head. 

Amongst all the other thoughts one in particular floated up to the forefront of his mind:

Well at least that explained his hate for shoes.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why I'm not doing it?  
> I've got other plot ideas/verses for reincarnation-style fics that I like more.


	31. Modern AU, but NOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern day characters (whom we all know) suddenly end up in Middle-Earth  
> If you think that sounds weird and/or complicated and/or strange, read on! (for more weird/complicated/strange *nodnod*)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another one of those, BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSSSSE ideas

All right. What if we have the characters from a Modern Human AU, let's say Thorin, Fíli and Kíli.  
And then suddenly they're thrown into Middle-Earth. 

Let's say towards the end of the Hobbit canon, just after (everyone take a deep breath, we can go back to denial later) Thorin, Fíli and Kíli dies in canon.  
  
Or, rather they didn't die. In this story they sorta ended up in some sort of coma, and there was an Elf or two coming to poke at them before declaring that their bodies might be okay-ish, but that their minds were gone. So some version of brain dead (but one where the bodily functions were still ok)  
  
Anyway, either someone does some mumbo jumbo ceremony to try and get their "souls/spirits/term of choice" back into their bodies, or if you're sceptical about the Dwarven kinds ability with magic, perhaps Modern!Au Thorin and nephews are in a car accident, and "dies" only their healthy souls end up in healthy bodies.

So they wake up in M-E.  
And they'd know each other.   
Know their names.   
But the world would be new. So incredibly new.  
  
And at this point there's a lot of handwaving decisions to be made. Like, do they understand the language? (they have the brains of M-E Thorin and nephews, so a point could be made that they do understand since that knowledge is in their current brains, BUT, if you pick that route, then you're also kinda willing to overlook the bit of 'how the hell do they keep their own memories then?'

Basically, you're not going to win the fight against the logical details if you write this.  
  
Still, I like the idea!  
  
They're essentially the same people at heart. Only formed differently by the way they've grown up and such. And it's like a huge fantasy powertrip cliché thing to be ordinary and then BOOM, you're in a magical world and you're special.  
  
They're dwarfs now. Royalty. Expected to rule.   
  
But unlike loads of characters tending towards the Mary Sue/Gary Stu spectrum I don't think these three would feel at home.  
  
I think Thorin and Kíli would never accept it. Not unless they're born into it. Fíli maybe. That boy's stubborn streak isn't quite as big as the two other's, and he's got a noble streak a mile wide.   
Only... I'm not sure that the rest of the gang would bear to be around them.  
  
At least they'll think they can't. Because let's put ourselves in Dwalin's shoes.  
He lost his king and best friend, and suddenly there's someone around who looks just like him, sounds just like him, acts... well, mostly just like him.

But it's not Thorin. Not *his* Thorin.

So maybe Thorin and Fíli and Kíli end up going back west with Bilbo.

Or maybe everyone realises that isn't it better to at least have a piece of their friends around? And the general population never knows the difference.

Though that's horribly depressing in a lots of ways.

Or if you make it Bilbo/Thorin, even BEFORE the battle. And Bilbo (or whomever you'd like to pair with either of the three) first has to accept that they're lost their lover. And then MIRACLE, he's back. Only... he's not really back.

Or is he?   
And there's a perfect chance to almost do a meta thing about characterisation and nature vs nurture or even about the qualities of the sould/spirit/whatever if you're less atheist than I am ;)

And a happy ending of sorts. Because the poor babies need one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So why am I not doing it?  
> Because it doesn't make sense, lol  
> And I don't know how to end it.


	32. Ghost Story

Sam, siblings and his parents move into a house on the country side. They got it cheap, and it’s a bit of a fixer upper, but it was almost suspiciously cheap.

Still, you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, (though Mr Gamgee and Mrs Gamgee kinda prepare themselves to find termites or some other detail that was 'forgotten'.)

The fact that they need to repair a few things don't bother them, they're just happy to finally have a house big enough for the whole family, no more sharing rooms. Which... kinda turns out to be a problem as Sam finds sleeping alone almost scary. But he's 13, and he's not going to be a baby about it.   
  
The house is kinda isolated, there's like a ten minute walk to the closest house, but there's the village 15 minutes away by car. And Sam's got a bike, a rusty old thing, but it works well enough. He goes exploring.

He meets Bilbo, and Thorin and Frodo. Emphasis on the Frodo as they're the same age.

They get along marvellously.

Mrs Gamgee makes an idle inquiry in the village about the people living in the house with the green door (Sam has told them about making friends) and the person she's talking to goes stiff and pale and:  
  
"We don't talk about that place."  
  
"But-"  
  
"We don't talk about that place." Emphasis on every word.    
  
Mrs Gamgee thinks it's because Thorin and Bilbo are gay and that the peeps on the countryside are arseholes.   
  
Sam continues to spend time with Frodo, but there's always an excuse when Sam invites him over, and Mrs Gamgee gets worried. She's not met Thorin or Bilbo yet, and what if they're not treating that boy right? So she goes to meet them, and finds the house with the green door easily enough.

Only it's... no one can have lived there in years. It's incredibly rundown, and most definitely deserted. She goes inside and sees the piano that Sam has been telling her about, the one Bilbo plays on. But the piano is covered with dust.

Everything is.  
When she goes outside again, walking a little too quickly, she only gets to the gate before she can hear piano music coming from inside the house. 

She turns and sees a pale boy with dark hair standing on the porch. He raises his hand in a wave, and then disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone want to adopt this before Halloween?


	33. The Mummy AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mummy AU

The Mummy!Au

No, no, hear me out.

As the main character we’d have Bilbo, who is the child (daughter? *nods* daughter) of Bofur (the charming British gentleman) and Nori (the kickass Egyptian lady) and basically Bilbo would be filling in for both Evy and Jonathan and thus we avoid 99% of the damsel in distress issues with the film. (and Bofur and Nori would still be alive, thank you very much)

Aside from that the biggest change from the film plot would be Bilbo falling for Ardeth, which would be Thorin in this case. There are several good reasons for this, the main one being that Rick’s character is an outright sexist arsehole, and my vote for the peep who will be filling those shoes is hands down Smaug. Fits wonderfully imo.

Is there a better one for an entitled arsehole who is very nonchalant about death and what other people want? I think not. He might fall for Bilbo but Bilbo will not fall for him because ewwww. (Seriously, the Evy/Rick in the first film creeps me the fuck out.)

Thorin, (Ardeth, remember) who is also a lady, is carrying on with the secret/sacred family tradition, and being in secret/sacred cohorts with Bilbo’s boss, who is none other than Gandalf. Because it fits and I totally want to have the scene with Gandalf being all ‘WTF BILBO’ when Bilbo accidentally trashes the library. It would fill in the for the _To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took's son,_ bit quite nicely. And Gandalf being tired of everyone is a wonderful thing.

Thorin not making a good first impression also fits with her having Ardeth’s role. First time she’d meet Bilbo would be on that boat, and that ended just a _little_ bit better than Titanic.

Also, wet Bilbo please, yes I'm shallow.

Okay! So far we’ve solved like most of the sexism issues with the film with a few easy steps. Yay! (erm, just ignore my request for drenched Bilbo, in a white nightgown)

Anyway, as easy as not making a sexist arsehole the main character.

To help sort out the racist issues with the film there would be a lot less of: colonialists= awesome, arabs = bad.  
  
You’d think that would be an easy change, but if you look at the film they apparently didn’t agree…

Bilbo takes after her mum just as much as she takes after her dad, step one.  
  
Bilbo reflects over Americans and Brits coming and carrying off Egyptian culture, especially since their intent is just to sell it to the highest bidder (two wrongs does not make a right people).  
  
Thorin, while still suffering from the normal issue of formulating good plans on the spot, saves the day together with Bilbo, and Smaug can go die in a ditch for all I care. (I realise pyramids do not have ditches, so the beetles can eat him. The one white dude is not saving the day.)  
  
And let’s not have the entire population of Cairo turn into a mindless mob. It’s not one of the plagues, and it _really_ does not give off good vibes.

I’m on the fence when it comes to the CHRISTIAN ten plagues of Egypt waltzing in and stealing the show. They did anchor it within the mythos… so okay. I’ll play along. Maybe that’s how Smaug gets offed, first born sons. (Yay for main characters being ladies?) But meh, definitely too harsh on the rest of the population so back to the ‘let something eat him’ solution. The plagues makes for interesting plot progression at least.

Beni the creep is clearly Alfrid’s role. It is perfect for him in every way. And let’s not have him be Egyptian, please and thank you. I kinda like the warden in some weird way, (I think it's the actor) but his character is so perfect for the Master… And I’m all for Alfrid and the Master getting their just desserts.

I’m considering shoving Bard in there as one of the Brits also trying to get to the city of the dead, but I don’t want him to die :O Then again, if he was in charge… he’d listen to Bilbo. Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.

The background story is rather hard to cast. I talked about it with diemarysues earlier, and she said Sauron as Imhotep, and I agreed, and said: which kinda would make Anck-su-Namun Melkor?

Which… doesn’t really work. Melkor as the pharaoh on the other hand.

And that would mean that the background story would be that the Pharaoh had a relationship with his high priest, which someone (?) didn’t much like, and then there was a coup d’état and Melkor was killed, and Sauron, well Mairon, was punished for seducing the Pharaoh or whatnot. Probably for ‘tainting’ him in some way, and making him mortal and not a god (because otherwise how could they have killed him – Pharaohs were thought to be divine and all, so it has to be explained somehow)  
  
Anyway the punishing bit backfired dramatically. (seriously, I can see Thorin’s family and their bad decisions all over that. What on earth were you _thinking,_ people?)

Also, kids, don’t punish people for being in love. Thank you.

But yeah, just as in the film, it’s a rather tragic love story at the root of it all, and I really want to keep that.

I think that’s pretty much the set-up.

\o/

 

The sequel would be Thorin dying and Bilbo using the book of the dead to get her back (the book was not destroyed because I said so)

  
The book is the stand in for the ring/arkenstone 


	34. Bilbo and Thorin Cat!AU

Bilbo is the small chubby beloved pet and Thorin is the feral (well not really) stray twice Bilbos size.

(Bilbos feet are extra hairy) (Thorin's eyes are extra pretty!)  
  
Bilbo's family (Gandalf) lives out in the country and Thorin once belonged to a family, but the dad left him in the woods at the end of the summer and Dwalin or other parts of the Company takes him in.  (them being wildcats or whatnot)  
  
They meet when Thorin stops by and eat all of Bilbos food. And the main plot is that there's a white fox in the forest that kills cats. (*coughAzogcough*)  
  
Bilbo saves Thorin's life.   
  
But Thorin can't stay. He has to go back to his pack.  
  
"They can come here!" Bilbo is desperate. Thorin can't go.   
  
And Thorin doesn't really want to go.  
  
And so it came to pass that one morning when Gandalf Grey opened the front door 13 cats were seated on his porch.  
  
"I assume you're friends of Bilbo."


	35. Beauty and the Beast AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tbh it would be much much much cuter with Bilbo as the beast, but that story I might write at some point, lol

A dragon disguised as an old beggar offers a young dwarven prince a rose in exchange for a night's shelter. When the young prince he turns the beggar away, the dragon punishes him by transforming him into a beast and turning his servants into household items.(Never mind that the prince technically was entirely too young to be punished that harshly and that he sensed that there was something fishy going on with the beggar)

The prince is given a magic stone that enables him to view faraway events, along with a rose, which will bloom until his 201st birthday. He must fall in love and be loved in return before the rose's petals have fallen off, or he will remain a beast forever.   
  
Years later, a young Hobbit named Bilbo enters the scene. Bilbo loves reading and yearns for a life beyond the village, yearns after adventure.

His good looks and feisty spirit attracts attention and he is pursued by many, but mostly the arrogant local bully Azog; and his lackeys, Tom, Bert and Bill. (ew)  
  
As Bilbo travels to a fair, he gets lost on the way (snowstorm) and is chased by wolves before stumbling upon Erebor. Inside the city he meets the transformed servants Balin and Dwalin, and others. (Kíli is such a cute tea cup)

Thorin imprisons Bilbo. Accusing him of being a burglar out for gold.   
  
Later, Thorin orders Bilbo to dine with him, but he refuses, and Bofur disobeys Thorin’s order not to let the Hobbit eat.

After Balin gives Bilbo a tour of the castle, Bilbo finds the rose in the forbidden West Wingn(flowers, yay!) and Thorin angrily chases him away, telling him to leave. (imagine the Arkenstone scene, only with even more growling)

Frightened, (and pissed off), Bilbo makes to leave, but he and Myrtle the pony are attacked by wolves. Thorin's comes to rescue him, (Bilbo throws a stone right in the head of a wolf who attacked Thorin) but is hurt, and Bilbo gets him back to the castle. 

The Beast grants Bilbo access to the castle library, which impresses Bilbo and they become friends, growing closer as they spend more time together.

Meanwhile, Bilbo’s young cousin Frodo is made an orphan after a boating accident.  :(  
  
Back at the castle Bilbo and Thorin share a romantic evening together. Bilbo tells the Beast of life in Hobbiton, how he actually misses it a little now that he’s left, especially his young nephew, and Thorin lets Bilbo use the magic mirror to see him.

When Bilbo sees Frodo all alone he can’t bear to leave him there.

Thorin allows him to leave, well, actually just broodingly accept it as it’s clear Bilbo isn’t a burglar and he's got no right to keep him prisoner.

As Bilbo leaves he’s given the Arkenstone to remember Thorin. As he watches the Hobbit leave, Thorin admits to Balin that he loves Bilbo.

“Ask him to come back!”

“He said it himself, he belongs in the Shire.”  
  
Bilbo finds Frodo and takes him home.

Azog arrives and attempts to declare Bilbo an unfit guardian for Frodo... unless he agrees to marry Azog so Frodo can have two parents.

Bilbo tries to prove his sanity (sure he's been talking about a beast, but-) by showing them Thorin with the magic stone.

Realizing Bilbo has feelings for the Beast, Azog ignites the mob's anger against the Beast, telling them that the Beast is clearly a man-eating monster that must be killed, and leads them to the castle.

Azog confines Bilbo and Frodo in the basement, but Kíli, who had hidden himself in Bilbo's baggage, helps them flee.

Fight scene!   
It'll look like Thorin is winning and then Azog sneakily stabs him when he least suspects it (seriously, it's in the Disney film as well)

As Thorin dies, Bilbo professes his love for him, breaking the spell as the rose's last petal falls. Thorin comes back to life, his Dwarven form restored. As he and Bilbo kiss, the castle and its inhabitants return to their previous states as well. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bye-bye Bag End](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022841) by [Questions3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Questions3/pseuds/Questions3)
  * [An Unexpected Problem](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042130) by [Child_of_Eru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_of_Eru/pseuds/Child_of_Eru)
  * [How Not To Get Two Gods Get Together](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109415) by [ForgottenChesire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForgottenChesire/pseuds/ForgottenChesire)




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